Tuesday Confession

I have been eating chocolate covered popcorn nonstop for 5 days now. Yesterday I ran an extra half mile just so I could eat a bigger chunk of chocolate covered popcorn when I got home. I hate sweets but I do this every winter with the chocolate. Why?


Last week I had a Doctor appointment. I got bullied into agreeing to having a body scan this January. Well I wasn't really bullied, she just told me that this would be a yearly thing until every body scan in a row for 3 years showed up clean. This means I could possibly have another radioiodine situation which depresses me just thinking about because of how badly it was all coordinated last year. I talked with her about how angry I still was about all the scheduling problems, the no return my phone calls, the letting me know about my appointment the day before, making appointments without asking me first, me being off my meds for 6 weeks instead of the 2 that I was promised which resulted in my being extremely and unnecessarily ill and sore for a month and a half, etc etc. She said she'll give me her cell phone number so that if this happens I can reach her directly but I have a feeling it will all be the same story. Everyone gets treated this way by their healthcare providers when we have a for-profit-system so I don't see why I would get any better treatment just because I'm bitching about it now. Plus even she knows it's a possibility otherwise, why would she try to make me feel better by giving me her number. I have a feeling it won't come to that though. I mean, I've had radiation twice. Most people with my problem only need it once. I'm preparing for the worst though because my tumor was the size of a friggin banana. That way I won't be disappointed if they still find some left over cancer cells. I told her I wanted to get it all done ASAP so I could get it over with. She said January, which I'm wondering if it really means February since that's when it all went down last time. If you were around back then, you'll remember I snuck in an old phone so I could post. What I didn't post was that they were working on the fire alarm system and it was going off every hour from 11pm until 6am. The food was puke on a plate and my view was a brick roof. I took so many showers and drank so much damn water, forcing myself to pee as much as I could(that brings your radioactive level to safer levels so you can go home), that's why I got out of there in 24 hours. I'm doing it in a different hospital this time. I wish you guys could have seen my room when I left. They tape paper on the floor and everything in the room except the bed and in the bathroom they use latex to cover anything that might be touched except for the shower. The water facets look like they are giving you the bird because they used latex gloves. It was a primary election day so I decided to write Barack! all over everything in the room. Every nurse that came in said," bay- rack? what's that honey?" At around 2am when I gave up on getting any sleep because the effing alarms were going off, I started writing stupid stuff like,"Help me help me. They told me I was a mental patient...I just thought I was Elvis...they are keeping me against my will. Can I have some Cheerios please?"Anyway, at least I'll be left alone until after Christmas....


BTW Did anyone watch Charlie Brown last night?

Tuesday Confession

Two weeks on a row! So remember, I told you guys about my difficulty in letting go of my little "injustice" grudges ? Well I have some more. One of which I'll share with you for today's cleansing of my sins.


-I'm still irritated with my 6th grade teacher for giving me a B for my Science Project instead of an A. Mind you I was 11 years old. I made an Electromagnet machine and my experiment was to find out what kind of materials would make the best electromagnets. I even made a compass with a needle and some cork as an extra little side experiment. I made about 3 or 4 little electromagnets using a large nail, various wires, electric tape and these little mini-jumper cable looking thingies(ok it was over 20 years ago so you can't expect me to remember the exact names for everything so just use your imagination.) My hypothesis was that the tiniest wire would create the most energy and make the strongest magnet and pick up the heaviest pieces of metal when hooked up to the machine. My experiment was damn success because I proved my hypothesis and was able to recreate my experiment for my class when we did our presentations. So I should have received an A not a B. You know what my jerk of a teacher said was the reason he knocked my grade down? BECAUSE THE BOX I USED FOR THE ELECTROMAGNET MACHINE WAS AN OLD BROWN TACKLE BOX. He said if I had used something more "pleasing to the eye" my grade would have been a perfect score. Can you tell how pissed off I still am about this? Especially now that I am older because I feel like going back in time to scream at that jerk teacher of mine,"I'm f-ing 11 ok? I made a damn Electromagnet and you give me a B, but you give the idiot who made a stupid person proof hurricane machine with a MOUNTAIN DEW BOTTLE an A!" Jerk. (not to offend anyone who made any hurricane machines, I was just pointing out that it was a Mountain Dew bottle with the wrapper still on. Even though I do think my creation was superior to a hurricane machine....) I don't even know any 11 year olds who actually know what an electromagnet is. Sorry I could only use what was available to me and by the way, isn't that usually how great discoveries get made? I guess I just didn't have access to thousands of dollars like the rest of average 6th graders in the free world do. I'm sure if I had known how to boil ore and cast my own beautiful metal "pleasing to the eye" box I would have received an A and gone on to MIT to become the greatest scientist on the face of the planet. But no. I'm using my 11 year old resentment to entertain the blogosphere instead. Enjoy at my expense internets.

-So I've just realised that's not really a confession. It's a rant. Well I can't help it. I'm still mad about it. Breathe-breathe. Ok I'm ready to confess something else: I once dyed my hair blond ya'll. A few years ago when I was living in Hawaii, I had just gotten over a really bad all over skin allergy and was feeling quite depressed and vulnerable about my looks. I made an appointment for a cut and high light. The stylist suggested an all over make over and I was such a depressed little mouse I said yes. No it did not make me feel better. It looked horrible and I realised, I don't like blond hair on me. But I spent so much money to get it done, I felt like I had to get my money's worth so I kept it for 2 months until the roots got so bad I had no choice but to dye it back to my natural beloved brunette. I told myself it would be a social experiment. Here's two things I noticed about being blond: Men look at you in a dirtier way when you're blond and are obvious about their dirty thoughts. Like you should just put up with it or something. And 2, if you're not a natural blonde you have to wear a lot of makeup if you don't want to look tired and worn out all the time.

And since we're on the topic I really disdain so called "blond jokes." It gives a certain kind of gal an excuse to pretend to be dumb when they are so clearly not. I really disdain women(and men) who do that. Dumb and cute have never been on the same plane in my book. My Grandma once gave me some really good advice: Never pretend to be dumber than you are just to attract a man. The only kind of man you'll atrract by playing dumb is a dumb man.

Tuesday Confession

I hardly ever do this. But it's only because I'm perfect so I have nothing to confess. You guys know this. Right?


Well I have only a couple really boring confessions to make. But, you know it's Tuesday and that's what Tuesday is for.

1. Today I made broccoli, yellow squash and zucchini for my lunch. Er, I should say I burnt broccoli, yellow squash and zucchini for my lunch. Anyone who's ever burnt this trio of veggies or at least broccoli already knows the wonderful aroma that never goes away. Not even after hours of burning a pumpkin spice candle from World Market. Nope, still stanks(the better, more pungent version of the word stinks. Feel free to steal it and add to your own vocabulary. You're welcome). So now my house smells like garbage soup. And pumpkin spice. Great.


2. Sometimes, when I'm too lazy to dig out and lace up my own sneakers, I use MrPea's to take Peanut downstairs to pee hoping no one will happen to walk by and see me. His feet are twice the size of mine so it's easier to just step into them and head out to door for a few seconds. Guess who was seen in really big shoes and laughed at by some of my neighbor's grandkids? Yep.

On grudges

I have a tendency to hold grudges for a long time. But only for certain people. Usually it's someone I know I'm never going to see ever again. This probably makes it easier for me to hold on to them. And 99% of my grudges are from when I was a little kid.

For example(s)

-When I was about 7 I accidentally knocked over a 3 or 4 year old girl. I was on a swing going very fast and she just ran in front of me before I could stop or slow down. Needless to say, I hit her pretty hard with my feet and she fell down crying. Of course I felt awful. Her mom yelled at me in Japanese. I don't speak Japanese so obviously I don't know what she yelled to me but I'm pretty sure it was in the ballpark area of," You stupid little girl, why did you kick my child!" She yelled at me so loud and angrily that I started crying. Looking back though, that woman should have been paying better attention to her child instead of blaming me, a 7 year old. They were walking right in front of me, they HAD to have seen me swinging since I was the only one on the damn swing. So yeah, I don't forgive that lady for yelling at me.

-I have a tablet that I used when I was in the first grade for spelling tests and grammar. My teacher, whose name I remember, Mrs. Nishii, marked one of my answers wrong that I know for sure is right. And it's not so much that she just made an innocent mistake, it's that she crossed out the entire answer with her red marker and did not give me a happy face stamp next to all the correct answers like she usually did and made me rewrite my sentence with the wrong answers circa Dan Quayle and the way he spelled "potatoe". So I'm still mad at you, Mrs. Nishii.

-Someone, and you know who you are, was "worried" about how bad my handwriting was. This same person, who I will not name, promised to give me 50dollars at the end of the 3rd grade school year if I kept a promise to hold my pencil differently. So long-story-short, basically I did change the way I held a pencil, now have even worse handwriting to this day, and I still never saw my 50 dollars. Yup, mad about that too.

-Oh yeah, same person who ripped me off on the 50 dollars, 3 years before had pretended to write me a check for a million dollars for my birthday when I was 5. I totally believed it for a few minutes only to be disappointed that, no, I was not actually a millionaire on my birthday. You'd think that would have taught me.

-And one more for the road. We had just moved from Hawaii to Florida into a new house and all of us were in new schools. It was understandably an adjustment for everyone. So my dad took the whole family to see a counselor. The counselor started with her speech about how all families have sore spots and we need to work together to communicate with love. I remember this very well. So she went around asking everyone what issue they would like to address and told us beforehand that we had to be respectful to whatever everyone's answer was. So when it came time for me, I said I was sick of being picked on all the time just because I was the youngest. She wanted me to be more specific and asked exactly how I was getting picked on, tell how it made me feel and explore what I , a effing 8 year old, could do to help my attitude about being the brunt of everyone's jokes. So I said I wanted everyone to stop laughing at my hair and calling me "afro-head," or"poodle girl," and that it hurt my feelings. Yes I was vain about my hair even then. I had just got a perm, a Christmas gift from my grandma and at times it was a little on the poofy side in the Florida humidity. So what happened after this came out of my mouth? After all the BS that woman fed us about respecting everyone's answers and communicating with love? LAUGHTER. The whole room, including, that bitch counselor. And she did not stick up for me nor remind everyone that I had stayed silent during everyone else's discussion. Utter laughter. OK I don't blame my family, that's why we were there. To learn. And she didn't do her job, she laughed at me with everyone else, thus encouraging the getting picked on and laughed at. Yeah, so she's forever in the I hate you club.



Want more? Oh I have more, I promise. But all this injustice has made me tired. Do you have any grudges? Tell me here, after all it is Tuesday.

Tuesday Confession:

Um, I just downloaded "Get into the Groove," by Madonna. My best friend is not home and the 5th grade version of me felt like telling someone. Do what you want with that info, internets.

Tuesday Confession:

I'm back on the coffee again. Dammit. I did my best. I'm not blaming anyone or saying I fell off the no coffee wagon because of some French people that came to visit who drink coffee like the Earth is about to fall out of the Universe. And I'm not going to mention that if not for the fact that I had lived with them for a year, I never would've have started drinking coffee in the first place. I also won't mention that it was such a damn cold winter in Canada and whenever I would come inside from walking Peanut outside in the subzero temperature to a coffee aroma filled kitchen and my MIL asking in her sweet way if I'd like to have some that I couldn't help it, because until then I never even drank coffee. Ok so I said it then. Not in a blaming way but...I'm just saying..... I need to try to quit again soon. And I will cuz it's May now and it's about to start getting HOTDAMN outside. It's just that.... before they left, they bought a really big cannister of some really good coffee and I don't like to waste. Does coffee go bad if you don't drink it? Is there any hope for me at all?

How is it that when I decided to quit smoking I never had a problem, it was so easy? I put the damn cigarettes in a drawer and played this mental game with myself. I would tell myself,"No, I'm not quitting forever, I'm just keeping them in this drawer and choosing not to smoke today." I told myself that everyday and it worked. After about 2 months I was able to throw those cigarettes in the garbage and never looked back. Today I smell cigarettes and get grossed out. I think they're disgusting, I don't even want to be near them. I can't imagine smelling fresh coffee and getting grossed out no matter how hard I try. I think coffee might be a tool of the devil. If you don't believe me just look at Starbucks....ok?

I love and hate Starbucks.

I'm going to try to 'detox' this week. It's not going to be pretty.

Tuesday Confession: My height

I tell everyone I'm 4'11". Actually I'm exactly 4'10 1/2". It's just that saying the "and a half" part sounds like it actually means a lot to me so I don't bother. Because it doesn't. And I figure I might as well round up since either way people laugh.


Tattletale!: My sister Neenee tells everyone she's 4'11" too. I'm taller than her so she can't be. I'm also taller than my mom and my other sister C. I'm the tallest girl in the family. Ha! I accomplished this by drinking milk....


These pics are bad because I took them with my cell phone. I was too lazy to dig out my camera and in a hurry to find some teeth.

I was barely there for 2 minutes when these popped up.
I rode my bike as usual and the scent of honeysuckle was in the air the entire ride. It was nice to be back, it's been too long. I have to admit, I laughed the whole way down the entrance stairs, I was so damn giddy. Jumping up and down was also involved.
The weather this week is going to be stormy so I probably won't get back out there until Sunday or Monday, depending what time low tide will be on those days.

Tuesday Confessions: Vanity Smurf or a Heathen

I found a gray hair on my head this week. Actually it was white. Yeah. Not a "bleached by the sun and peroxide" strand. It was a white hair growing from my head. Ok. I'm a little confused that it was a white hair not a gray one. I thought they were supposed to be gray first and then white. Did my hair decide to skip the gray and go straight into white? I'm not freaking out over this, I'm just wondering, is it happening now? And since I'm already on the topic, I have a small bald spot just above my ear from when my doctor removed a big ugly mole. I'm not very happy about it but it could be worse. I also found an age spot on my lower cheek. I pretend like it's just a freckle but it's not.


Ok those are just silly confessions. I have two more. 1. I ate meat on Good Friday and 2. I did not attend church on Friday or Easter. Ok in my defense, I had to eat meat because I am anemic again. But the church thing I don't really have any excuse, the truth is I just didn't want to go. oops.

Your turn guys.

Random Tuesday Confessions about my CAT scan

-I have a big purple and green bruise on the inside of my arm where I had a HUGE IV needle from Friday's CAT scan. Technically it's two bruises close together to make one big butterfly shaped bruise because my vein, ahem, rejected the first needle poke and pushed it out. I didn't know my veins could do that. If only I had known this before, imagine all the other needles I could have rejected all those other times...damn. Oh well. Moving on, back to my confession: I show these bruises to anyone who bothers to look my way in an effort to get some pity because frankly I'm beginning to enjoy the attention from them. In fact I almost took a picture of my arm to post for extra blog-pity until I realized how pathetic and twisted that would seem . I'm just hoping no one mistakes them for heroine track marks. I don't look that sick.

-Speaking of my IV, the person in charge of the injection told me I would get a flush of heat and feel like I'd peed in my pants but not to worry. What?! Yeah. It happened. Not the peeing in the pants part. The freaking-out-because-I-thought-I-did-even-though-they-were-nice-enough-
to-explain-to-me -that-I-would-feel-like-I-did-but-not-to-panic-because-
I-didn't happened. I yelled loud enough to disturb whoever was having their own CAT scan in the next room,"Am I peeing in my pants? Omigawd, please tell me I'm not!" And as they were correct, I did not pee in my pants, I only felt like I did for a minute or 2. That would have been the tipping point for me. If I had actually peed on myself, I think I just may have relinquished the minuscule remainder of sanity I had left and would perhaps be in an insane asylum at this very moment. But fate smiled upon me Friday and luckily I'm still here, my peeps. So just to reiterate the most important part of Friday: I was peepee free and therefore held on to my sanity.

-BTW anyone out there ever had one too? If you're nodding your head(s) my hat goes off to you, dear(s). The prep they give you to drink....I don't even have words for this drink. It's called Berry Smoothie flavor. Um. They got it wrong. They should have just been honest and called it Berry Repulsive Goo. There's also a banana flavored one I was lucky enough to not have formed an opinion about. But let me tell you, this drink is so disgusting, it's the color and texture of lotion and you have to drink a big #$%* bottle of it in 20 minutes. Yes. Ever get the urge to drink an entire bottle of lotion for breakfast? Me neither.

SO I guess the conclusion of my whole post for today is, I'm a pretty crappy patient. I freak out even when I'm told not to and my freak out sessions are loud enough to disturb others with probably more serious issues than mine. I'm definitely afraid of peeing in my pants. I hate needles yet enjoy the pity and attention I receive after the trauma of it all is over. And I complain about anything I'm given to eat or drink that has the word "prep' on it. You don't have to feel sorry for me if you don't want to.


I'm not sure when I'll hear from my doc about the scan, I'm guessing next week so I'll let ya'll know when I do. Keep your fingers crossed. f-ing cancer, I swear!

Tuesday Confession once again

Just because I haven't confessed any wrongdoings lately doesn't mean I've not participated in any....

I stole a baby aloe.










Someone in my neighborhood has a really beautiful, healthy aloe plant on their doorstep that I admire every time I walk Peanut. Last week I noticed a bunch of baby shoots coming up on the side of its pot. I knocked on the door to ask for permission to pull one out for myself. No one answered so I just took the smallest one and put it in this mini pot. Am I an asshole?

Tuesday Confession

Today Peanut decided to pee on some people's pansies. I usually stop him from peeing on pretty flowers but today I was too lazy to bother. I feel kind of bad about it but Peanut's happy.

Answers to yesterday's True or False

No Tuesday confession today. One of my truths is shocking enough anyway.


1. I once dated a pro-athlete. I saw on the news three months after we stopped seeing each other that his wife had filed for divorce. It is the shame of my life that I dated someone who I knew was married. *FALSE-I've never dated a married man or a pro-athlete, dammit I'm not a homewrecker!

2. When I was in high school, I met the president and got in trouble for trying to pinch him on the bum. It was fun and totally worth it. I think he secretly enjoyed it and if you knew which one I was talking about(do the math I'm 30), you would think so too.*TRUE- This was a trick because I bet you're thinking it was Bill Clinton. Nope. It was Bush, our current ass-I mean president's father just before he lost the election to Clinton. I still think he secretly enjoyed it...

3. I accidentally exposed my 80something year old mother-in-law to internet porn. I thought it was a website about the village in France where her family was from. Her reaction was,"Oh thanks, Angel, it was really pretty," before I figured out the mistake.*Unfortunately this is TRUE-I memorised a web address for the town of La Rochelle in France,typed it in wrong and ended up in a dirty porno website about a pretty girl named Rochelle. My MIL is not uptight about that kind of stuff and teased me about it for weeks.

4. I've been to the Bahamas more times than I can count. I have some friends who live there, so I can pretty much go whenever I want to. My husband and I are planning to live there when he retires(in 15-20 years). We dream about it together at least 50 times a week.*FALSE-One would think since I live so close I would go there all the time but I've never been there.

5. I once got caught shoplifting. I was 13 and I stole makeup at Kmart. My parents threatened to send me to live with my grandparents if I did it again. To this day I don't even shop at Kmart because I'm still embarrassed.*FALSE- When I was 4 a girl my mom was babysitting got caught stealing gum and the store employees were so mean to my mom, I'm too scared to even think about trying to steal..

6. I lived in New Orleans during Mardi Gras and never went. I was too lazy and frankly not interested in seeing people make complete fools of themselves. I sort of regret it now. I would've enjoyed making a fool of myself in the French Quarter.*TRUE- I'm the only one I know who's been there and didn't go. I don't regret it that much.

7. I kept a toad as a pet when I was 8. I named him Baby. He wasn't allowed in the house so he lived in a bucket on my patio. He escaped and I cried for 2 days. Looking back, I'm happy for him now.*TRUE-I love my pets what can I say. I don't even try to touch toads or frogs, or anything with bumps today.

8. The Bachelor is my favorite reality show. I consider myself a feminist, but dammit I can't help it. I like to laugh at people being pathetic and desperate no matter what sex they are, no apologies!*False- Don't have anything against that show really, just not my cup of tea.


Des told me I have to link to her so she can be first in a google search. So if you love me and you love Des then you have to do it too. All the cool people are linking to Des, don't you want to be cooool?

Tuesday Confession

If you haven't read my last post, go ahead and skip it. I was looking at this morning and it's just too damn long. Anyway,it's that time again.

I once stole a puppy. I mean I snuck into some one's back yard and stole their puppy. In my defense, he was living in some really bad conditions. I was about 15 and my friend and I drove by that house everyday on our way to and from school.(she was one of those lucky ones whose parents gave her an old car the day she turned 16) Sometimes I would ask her to drive by that house even if we weren't headed in that direction just so I could see that puppy and make sure he was ok. It was the month of May and really hot and he never had any clean water or a decent shelter to keep out of the sun. I never saw anyone playing with him or making kissy-faces at him like I would have dammit. In fact no one was ever home and I once made my friend drive by there 5 different times just to see if anyone was going to take care of this poor puppy-nothing. He was always laying in the dirt. He was skinny too-have you ever heard of a skinny puppy? It shouldn't be possible. So after about 3 weeks I couldn't take it anymore. That puppy was mine. I had my friend drive really close and pretend to check out her front tires-this was an unnecessary diversion but I've seen those thief movies and they always have to create a diversion. I opened the back gate and whispered,"Puppy, comeer," because I didn't know his name. He ran to me, I scooped him up, ran into the car and we drove away. I named him Cookie, then later changed it to Sunny Boo Bear. He answered to any variation of those names.

Sometimes I feel bad that I might have misjudged the situation and stole some poor kid's beloved puppy. But I'll think about how thirsty he was when I got him home and how fast all the booboos on his feet healed and I don't feel that bad.


So there it is. I got my confess-on and now I feel free.

Tuesday Confession

I'm am scared to death of the dark. And clowns. And ghosts. And psychopaths. And serial-killers/rapists. And kidnappers. Spiders too. Sharks. Alligators of course. Not a big fan of centipedes. Or snakes. Tsumanis scare me too. The list never ends. But right now I'm just going to talk about my fear of the dark.


We lost power Sunday night due to some really strong wind. I have to admit that I forgot where I put our flashlights so for about 5 seconds, I had a mini-panic attack. The truth is, because we lived in South Florida a couple years ago for those two really bad hurricane seasons, we are the sort of people you want to be staying with during a time like that because we have so much experience and all the equipment. So I really have no reason to freak out, but I've been afraid of the dark since I was 4....I'm sure a psycho analyst could have all kinds of fun with me and all the things that I'm paranoid about but fear of the dark is not one I'll ever get over. I always envy people who can just turn off all the lights and fall asleep. I have to at least have the blinds a little open to let in the street light so I can see down the hall and make sure the clown from that movie Poltergeist isn't running down my hallway with a knife. (I'm so afraid of clowns, I once screamed,"get the f- away from me," in front of everyone's children at the mall because of one who was just trying to give me a free balloon but like I said that's for another day.) It's so irrational but I can't help it. Come to think of it, it's probably because of all the horror films I used to watch.

After my 5 second mini-panic attack, Peanut started huffing, looking for whoever was trying to kill me. That sort of snapped me out of it. I saw my cell phone light and crawled towards it and used it to light my way into the kitchen. I found matches and our emergency candles so I could help my husband who, at this point, was now walking in circles freaking out because his wife was in hysterics, find the flashlights and mini tv. So that's my confession. It's not really a confession because anyone who knows me is already aware of this.

We were out of power for a little over an hour. My husband hasn't finished making fun of me about Sunday night.

Tuesday Confession

It's that time again. I've been too sick lately to do anything wrong but hmmm...let's see...oh!




I was mean to my husband yesterday. I cracked a whole bunch of really cruel jokes about his poor eyesight. I called him a decrepit and old, blind man who would probably start going bald next. This was an extra dagger since he's vain about his hair and scared to death of going bald. I had fun. He was trying to read a medicine label and the letters were too small so he asked me to read it for him. Instead I also asked him if I needed to go back to the store for some Depends. The meanest thing about it is that the medicine label he was trying to read was for the flu that I gave him.

He ignored me anyway so there's really nothing to feel guilty about. Plus I felt sorry for him catching the flu from me so this morning I made french toast for breakfast with homemade syrup. I'm sure I've said some meaner things but for now that's all I can think of.


He hates having his picture taken, they all look like he's hiding from the paprazzi or something.


Now it's your turn, if you dare. Who were you mean to lately?

Tuesday Confession

I felt so free last week so I thought I should do it again.

I used to smoke. It was a disgusting habit that started behind my best friend's above ground pool when we were twelve. I quit the day I turned twenty. The truth is, I was never really a true smoker. It was mainly because I wanted to be cool. This is not my confession though.

Here goes: I used to steal people's lighters. I'm not sure why, but a couple of my friends and I started this sick, silly competition of who could steal the most lighters. The rules were you had to steal lighters in front of your victim and never from the store-that doesn't count. I don't think we were actually competing for anything more than bragging rights but I have to admit that I was the best at it. My method was to pretend I didn't have one and,"Oh can I borrow yours,heehee?", then put it on the table or wherever I was sitting instead of giving it back, then put it in my pocket by the end of the night. Another rule was that if the person you stole your lighter from asked for it back, you had to play stupid and hand it over. So if you knew me when I was 18-20, I probably stole a lighter or two or three from you. If you hung out with me, I had already planned out how your lighter would end up in my pocket by the end of our encounter within 30 seconds. We even had a sick way of furtively showing each other the lighter we were just about to steal before slipping in into a pocket or purse right from under the victim's nose, giggling the entire time. This is the dumbest game on Earth but my two friends and I gained so much sick happiness out of this game that once in a while I'll be watching something on tv or observing people smoking together and think to myself,"Now! Now! He's not looking! Put it in your bra, nobody will notice. Damn! You missed the perfect opportunity!"

Some people play video games endlessly, some shop lift, some gamble, some do crack, some just sit around and played scrabble. Me, I stole lighters. Until I reformed my soul, quit smoking and realized the stupidness (a new word, it just sounds so much better than stupidity) of stealing lighters. Forgive me fellow and former smokers of the world, for I have sinned.




*I'm not a kleptomaniac, I promise. Other than lighters from unknowing innocent smokers, I've never stolen anything in my life. Anyone who doesn't want to be friends with me anymore, it's ok, sniffsniff, I understand, sniffsniff, it doesn't hurt my feelings. Does the excuse that I was a teenager and a penniless college student change your mind? NO? Ok fine, go be friends with someone else then...sniffsniff
And just for the record quitting smoking was the best decision I ever made.


Again feel free to purge yourself from your misguided transgressions here, if you feel the inclination. You are forgiven, my peeps.

Tuesday Confession

I went to Target today to buy some seeds and a new flower pot for some African Violets that haven't bloomed in forever because its pot is too small. The pot itself was $1.99 and the bottom-plate thingy was 49cents. The cashier scanned only the bottom-plate thingy and I didn't say anything. So instead of paying $2.48, I paid 49cents. An honest person would have said something. I don't feel guilty about it but with my strict Catholic upbringing and all, I thought I should seek absolution here. Forgive me Target, for I have sinned.....


Feel free to purge yourself of your own sins here if you feel the inclination. I absolve you.