Monday Blah(g)

Finished. I'm so loving that word right now. My day of starvation turned into 2 days of starvation. That did not go down so well. Friday I woke up prepared to not eat until about 8:30 because my body scan was scheduled at 5:30 and I was supposed to fast. Luckily(or so I thought) they asked me if I'd like to come in earlier so I went in at 3:30 and by that time my hands were shaking because I'm guessing my blood sugar was really low. About 20 minutes into the scan I asked if they thought I would need to come in on Saturday for more images and the tech said probably yes because there doesn't seem to be enough 'action' in my intestines. I said," That's because there's nothing in there ok!" I couldn't imagine not being able to eat for another day but she said I could have a light dinner and to come back at 11 the next day. That night, even though I had been able to eat a little, I was still so effing hungry. I couldn't sleep because I was imagining all the food I wished for. For some reason I was craving a really buttery baked potato or mashed potatoes, I was actually rehearsing in my brain what I would tell MrPea I wanted to eat as soon as I came out of the hospital. I was so bitchy the next morning. I mean, I know that there are starving people out there, I know this. So how is it that I could not manage a few hours without food? But let me tell you, I was in such a bad mood. To be honest, I was not only touchy, I was downright depressed. It's really strange to me now that it's over the kind of mood I was in. I almost went off on the poor receptionist who told me that the nuclear med department just called her and said they wouldnot be ready for me for 30 minutes. I sort of yelled at her and told her everyone in that hospital is crazy and stormed out. After sitting in the car with MrPea for 20 minutes, I felt bad so when I went back in I told her I was sorry for being so mean . But honestly, guys, imagine not having a decent meal in two days. A half hour schedule delay would seem like an eternity, especially since that would mean a half hour delay in your getting your damn potato you've been dreaming about all night. I had even snapped at the tech person the day before because she asked me to move my head so that they could get a side view image. So I moved. She said," Can you turn just a tiny but more?" I said," If I turn my head any further I'd have to be Linda Blair- Exorcist so can you just take the damn images already?" Ouch- feel bad about that too.....

Anyway, it was over quickly and they were nice enough to show me my images, although they couldn't make any official comments on them since I would have to wait for word from my doctor. I'm hoping that will be by the end of this week. I'm tentatively relieved because there didn't look like there was any tissues in my neck area compared to last year's images so I'll be crossing my fingers until I hear from doc. But I've always celebrated too early only to be kicked in the arse later so I'll just say that I'm glad, at least for now, to be FINISHED with all that crap for another year. AND yes I did order a big heaping plate of mashed potatoes with my tall club sandwich for lunch. I was able to catch up with my sleep this weekend so The Pea you heart is back to 100%.

AND the most beautiful thing to be able to say? I'm going to the beach today. Low tide hits just at the right hour. I don't even care that it's cold out. It's sunny and that's all I need right now.

So far so good this week

This is the week all my medical "stuff" is going down. I had my thyrogen injections on Monday and Tuesday. Both went well without any freakouts or major side effects. I did get head aches but it was probably more due to the lack of sleep I've been getting. Then yesterday morning I went in for my radio-iodine pill. This one has a low amount of radiation for tomorow's full body scan. I sort of have to starve myself tomorow since my appointment is at 5:30. But I made sure that I could use my ipod again this year otherwise I'll just go nuts laying there for three hours. Have you ever noticed you never feel itchy or fidgety until someone tells you not to itch or fidget? The second it starts my nose starts to run or get tickly and my back starts to itch and all I can do is think, mind over matter....mind over matter.....
Hopefully everything will come out clean and cancer free. If so it will be a real first since my surgery two years ago.

I'm too exhausted to be interesting right now. Tell me something funny.....

Friday Round Up

I haven't been feeling well lately. I haven't been sleeping enough that's for sure. I'm sure that's why. But, even so, it's that time of year again. Well actually that time of year has past because for the millionth time, my doctor's office screwed up with my schedule and again my appointments are later than they were supposed to be. I'm not going to get into it because, it will put me in a bad mood so let's just stay on a positive note and I'll tell you guys that I was not a door mat about it this time. I was a squeaky wheel! So be proud of me, peeps. On the first week of February all my routine follow up cancer 'stuff' starts. I have to get these weird thyrogen injections to get me ready for a low dose radioactive iodine pill that will get me ready for a full body scan(sounds pretty sexy don't it?....it's not). The body scan day is a day of starvation again. It'll suck and I'll probably complain a lot so if you need to check out for that week, it won't hurt my feelings. I always do this stuff in the winter because I'm miserable in the winter anyway, so if I'm sick too then for some reason it's easier for me. I'd rather be sick and miserable in the winter than sick and stuck in the house in the spring and summer. Plus it makes the the winter time go faster for some reason because I have a goal. Are you laughing? I thought so. Welcome to my logic!

Last year's scan showed that there was still some bad tissues left over from the first time I had radiation so, as some of you may be loathe to remember(as I am), I ended up having to have radio-iodine treatment in the hospital again so I'm hoping this time will be a clean scan. My doctor says I should wait for two years of clean scans before I try to have a baby so I was hoping this year would count as year one.....But I won't cry this time around. What can I do, you know? Life isn't so bad for me as it is without a mini-me so I shouldn't get all depressed about it. It's not like being sad would speed up the process anyway. There was so much cancer the first time, I wouldn't be surprised if there was any left over. Or scared. Well maybe a little scared but not like before. And again, there's nothing to be afraid of, this is not the kind of cancer that is incurable, it's just a matter of not wanting to turn into a nuclear bomb because they can only give me so much radiation at a time and then wait for the tissues to disappear before checking to see if they got it all. I may be small but I've always been a scrappy little smurf. I'm not saying I don't complain like a pansy the whole time, but the gloves are always off when it comes to this stuff....

So that's that. On a more random note, ya'll, get this. I met a girl named Nefertiti yesterday. She was as beautiful as her name beholds. I said,"wow, is your mom into Egyptian history?" Her: "I don't know, do you know my mom?" I said," Well, because your name, you know." Her:"No, what about my name?" I said," You didn't know that you have the same name of an Egyptian queen? Are you joking with me?" Her,"I am? For real? How do you know this?" I said,"Doesn't everyone?" Her,"No, honestly I don't know what you're talking about, my grandma has the same name, we both call ourselves Neffie." I told her to look it up. She wasn't kidding, she didn't know and got really excited about it. I wasn't sure if I should be pissed off at how bad the schools are or surprised that i was the first one who noticed and said something. How in the world can you go 22 years with a name like that without *A*anyone telling you or *B* not learning that in basic highschool history?




AND! Check out one of my drawings I did with my new colored pencil that my MrPea gave me for Christmas. Not bad for not having used them in 15 years. I have to admit, I sort of cheated and used an art book to help me, but I didn't outline it and it wasn't a colored drawing, I just used the design as a guide. I bought the book to help me reaquaint myself with simple drawing because I've been painting and doing pottery but not so much drawing for so long and I missed the sign up deadline for classes. I took this with my cell phone so it's bad quality photo. Anyway, this is a little cutesy in comparison with what I like to do but it's not bad for a start. It's not finished here, obviously but I'll show you how it looks in it's frame when I get to it.

Confession

I actually considered buying a scanner specifically so I could show you guys my 8th grade school picture. I used to have a printer that scanned, but after my last radiation-iodine treatment MrPea bought me a photo printer that doesn't scan and got rid of the old one. So I have to get a new one eventually. I just wanted you guys to see me in my big 80s bangs, with turquoise blue eyeliner and frosted pink lipstick. So yeah, that's my confession: I once had mall hair and wore blue eyeliner(even though I wasn't technically allowed to wear makeup.) Do with that info what you want and I can't have one of those cute little retrospective posts all the cool people already did. I guess it doesn't really though because I haven't offered up any proof. Still though, you gotta give a girl credit just for the admission, that was hard for me :O)




BTW I left a message at my doctor's office yesterday because I still haven't heard from them even though I was PROMISED everything would be taken care of at the first of this month. I'm supposed to have thyrogen injections(I hate that word) to get me ready for a small dose of radio-iodine(radioactive but not as radioactive as the actual radiation treatment) so that I can have a body scan. And this all has to be specifically timed one day after the other for four days so that everything comes out as accurate as possible. Because if they see any cancer tissue left over then I have to go off my med again and have radiation. I told my doctor at my last appointment that I would be happiest if we did ASAP so that I can get it over with quickly and that by Spring which for me is March, I will be feeling up and at 'em again. Because if I just let it go and not say anything, I'll be waiting until Feb and even then they'll call me the day before to tell me I start my appointment the next day. Even though I TOLD them and TOLD them and even made them write it on my chart that my husband and I share our car, he works 30 minutes away so they need to let me know in advance so that we can plan and he always wants to come with me. I'm not very happy because she reassured me that things would move quickly for me and more efficiently since I was so angry about their incompetent scheduling procedures last year. I don't expect special treatment I just expect human treatment and for people to do what they say they are going to do. You can guess whether or not they called me back or not right? I'm going to go down there Monday morning, politely of course. But at least they'll know I mean business.....That's what I mean guys, that's the kind of stuff you have to do when you are a patient and at some time or other we all are. I used to be so mousy and in so many ways I still am. But when it comes to my health and well being I really don't give a flying, er, cookie, if people like me or not anymore. That's probably the only positive that came out of having cancer but I'll take it.

Tuesday Confession

I have been eating chocolate covered popcorn nonstop for 5 days now. Yesterday I ran an extra half mile just so I could eat a bigger chunk of chocolate covered popcorn when I got home. I hate sweets but I do this every winter with the chocolate. Why?


Last week I had a Doctor appointment. I got bullied into agreeing to having a body scan this January. Well I wasn't really bullied, she just told me that this would be a yearly thing until every body scan in a row for 3 years showed up clean. This means I could possibly have another radioiodine situation which depresses me just thinking about because of how badly it was all coordinated last year. I talked with her about how angry I still was about all the scheduling problems, the no return my phone calls, the letting me know about my appointment the day before, making appointments without asking me first, me being off my meds for 6 weeks instead of the 2 that I was promised which resulted in my being extremely and unnecessarily ill and sore for a month and a half, etc etc. She said she'll give me her cell phone number so that if this happens I can reach her directly but I have a feeling it will all be the same story. Everyone gets treated this way by their healthcare providers when we have a for-profit-system so I don't see why I would get any better treatment just because I'm bitching about it now. Plus even she knows it's a possibility otherwise, why would she try to make me feel better by giving me her number. I have a feeling it won't come to that though. I mean, I've had radiation twice. Most people with my problem only need it once. I'm preparing for the worst though because my tumor was the size of a friggin banana. That way I won't be disappointed if they still find some left over cancer cells. I told her I wanted to get it all done ASAP so I could get it over with. She said January, which I'm wondering if it really means February since that's when it all went down last time. If you were around back then, you'll remember I snuck in an old phone so I could post. What I didn't post was that they were working on the fire alarm system and it was going off every hour from 11pm until 6am. The food was puke on a plate and my view was a brick roof. I took so many showers and drank so much damn water, forcing myself to pee as much as I could(that brings your radioactive level to safer levels so you can go home), that's why I got out of there in 24 hours. I'm doing it in a different hospital this time. I wish you guys could have seen my room when I left. They tape paper on the floor and everything in the room except the bed and in the bathroom they use latex to cover anything that might be touched except for the shower. The water facets look like they are giving you the bird because they used latex gloves. It was a primary election day so I decided to write Barack! all over everything in the room. Every nurse that came in said," bay- rack? what's that honey?" At around 2am when I gave up on getting any sleep because the effing alarms were going off, I started writing stupid stuff like,"Help me help me. They told me I was a mental patient...I just thought I was Elvis...they are keeping me against my will. Can I have some Cheerios please?"Anyway, at least I'll be left alone until after Christmas....


BTW Did anyone watch Charlie Brown last night?

New members of the I hate you club

Today I felt like I was in a Lifetime channel movie. Here's the scene: me in the waiting room at the OB-GYN for my yearly check surrounded by pregnant women. All of them happily rubbing their round beautiful bellies and disgustingly glowing with happiness. Me, miserable finding myself jealous and cursing the whole world's fertility.

I had to sit there for a half hour listening to them trade stories about how excited they were, someone just bought new toys, someone's inducing next week, someone's craving tacos and can't wait to deliver. I felt so left out. I felt like such a loser and a fraction of a woman because I can't even have a healthy baby right now.(Oh and by the way, my doctor who told me sternly not to even think of trying to have a baby for the next two years is-guess what-PREGNANT...not that it's her fault but still, the kindergarten maturity level version of myself is resentful and frankly jealous. Yeah she's in the I hate you club today too.) I'm pretty sure I did some silent pouting AND the kindergarten maturity level version of myself is also convinced that they were smug and taunting me. I've never met any of these women in my life and it's not their fault I can't be one of them. Still though I decided to dislike them for the rest of my wait. One of them even had a cute 4 year old mini-her resting her head on her pregnant belly to feel a kick. She was kind enough to ask me when I was due. The self pity version of myself thought," never never." The bitch version of me thought," bitch do I look pregnant, why do you have to rub it in?" But I politely told her I wasn't and smiled at her daughter.

I would like nothing more than a fat, bald headed, beady eyed little baby in a pouch around my shoulders at the beach with me while I look for shark teeth. I would like nothing more than pulling a toddler around in a wagon behind me while I walk Peanut. I would like nothing more than getting a five year old dressed for her first day of school. I would like nothing more than helping my genius kid(because he'd have my genes, hello!) with his homework. I know how to clap and wave at little league games. I could cry and pat myself on the back at a graduation or wedding. I'd be just as good at all these things as everyone else dammit.

I realize this is a romanticized version of raising kids. Believe me, I'm no fool, I have 6 nephews. I can tell sometimes there are times when my sister is on the edge of insanity where just one more word, one more noise, one more mess will do her in. Then I'll hear one running to her, crying with a booboo. And I'll think to myself,"I want to be the one to kiss booboos too."

My recent CAT

My CAT scan that is. I had one this morning as a follow up to the bump they saw on my liver this past winter. I really don't have any horror stories to report. My tech was really nice and spoke French so I got to practice . He also didn't have to stab me several times for my IV like last time. I'm still irritated about that even though it was months ago because I've got excellent veins. But this time it didn't hurt and I didn't start crying in self pity.

Ok I did a little but only for 5 seconds because I had to pay attention to the little cartoon guy on the machine telling me when to breathe and when to hold my breathe. It was cute.

Of course I did NOT enjoy the 'drink' prep they gave me. Again it was disgusting but I only gagged once. I guess I was not as shocked by the nasty flavor and consistency as last time. My stomach's been angry all day though.

And yes, I did experience the peeing-in-your-pants sensation and freaked out a little but not as bad as before. I didn't yell or anything, I just had to keep telling myself to be still and to stop worrying because I did not pee in my pants. Yep.

"no news is good news" my liver!

My doctor's office called me today because I left a message this morning asking if my CAT scan results were in or not. She told me there was a bump on my liver but not to worry because it's probably something I was born with. Due to my history they want to keep an eye on it. So I will have another CAT scan in a few months and probably yearly follow ups just to make sure it's the same size. This is not good news but not bad news either, just news. Well it's sort of good news that they'll leave me alone for a few months because I need the break. Plus she told me not to worry because if Doc thought there was even a possibility of cancer on my liver, they wouldn't be waiting a few months, so I'm not going to worry. I guess.

Since it's on my liver, does that mean no more boozy, drunken, smoky sleazy bar fly nights? Damn I guess I'm going to have find a new hobby :O)

I don't remember the exact scientific word she used because I was in the car and I couldn't write it down. So I asked her to send me a copy of the report. I also asked for a letter stating my radiation information so that I could travel. I don't want to be taken to a secret interrogation room or sent to Guantanamo Bay just for trying to visit my sister.

I started feeling much better this week. I've been abnormally tired since I came home from the hospital and it was from anemia which I always have a problem with. MrPea calls me a weak link of nature. SO!? But I've been taking iron supplements in addition to my regular multi-vitamin and this week I finally feel the difference. So guess where I'm going tomorrow...

yes! I can't wait. All day I've been singing that song from, "Annie," Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya Tomorrow!

BTW since my post title is "no news is good news," I need to complain about that. I hate that. If anyone is going to charge me an arm and a leg for an invasive medical procedure the least they can do is call me even if it's just to say, "all's good!" What the hell?! To me it just means laziness.

Random Tuesday Confessions about my CAT scan

-I have a big purple and green bruise on the inside of my arm where I had a HUGE IV needle from Friday's CAT scan. Technically it's two bruises close together to make one big butterfly shaped bruise because my vein, ahem, rejected the first needle poke and pushed it out. I didn't know my veins could do that. If only I had known this before, imagine all the other needles I could have rejected all those other times...damn. Oh well. Moving on, back to my confession: I show these bruises to anyone who bothers to look my way in an effort to get some pity because frankly I'm beginning to enjoy the attention from them. In fact I almost took a picture of my arm to post for extra blog-pity until I realized how pathetic and twisted that would seem . I'm just hoping no one mistakes them for heroine track marks. I don't look that sick.

-Speaking of my IV, the person in charge of the injection told me I would get a flush of heat and feel like I'd peed in my pants but not to worry. What?! Yeah. It happened. Not the peeing in the pants part. The freaking-out-because-I-thought-I-did-even-though-they-were-nice-enough-
to-explain-to-me -that-I-would-feel-like-I-did-but-not-to-panic-because-
I-didn't happened. I yelled loud enough to disturb whoever was having their own CAT scan in the next room,"Am I peeing in my pants? Omigawd, please tell me I'm not!" And as they were correct, I did not pee in my pants, I only felt like I did for a minute or 2. That would have been the tipping point for me. If I had actually peed on myself, I think I just may have relinquished the minuscule remainder of sanity I had left and would perhaps be in an insane asylum at this very moment. But fate smiled upon me Friday and luckily I'm still here, my peeps. So just to reiterate the most important part of Friday: I was peepee free and therefore held on to my sanity.

-BTW anyone out there ever had one too? If you're nodding your head(s) my hat goes off to you, dear(s). The prep they give you to drink....I don't even have words for this drink. It's called Berry Smoothie flavor. Um. They got it wrong. They should have just been honest and called it Berry Repulsive Goo. There's also a banana flavored one I was lucky enough to not have formed an opinion about. But let me tell you, this drink is so disgusting, it's the color and texture of lotion and you have to drink a big #$%* bottle of it in 20 minutes. Yes. Ever get the urge to drink an entire bottle of lotion for breakfast? Me neither.

SO I guess the conclusion of my whole post for today is, I'm a pretty crappy patient. I freak out even when I'm told not to and my freak out sessions are loud enough to disturb others with probably more serious issues than mine. I'm definitely afraid of peeing in my pants. I hate needles yet enjoy the pity and attention I receive after the trauma of it all is over. And I complain about anything I'm given to eat or drink that has the word "prep' on it. You don't have to feel sorry for me if you don't want to.


I'm not sure when I'll hear from my doc about the scan, I'm guessing next week so I'll let ya'll know when I do. Keep your fingers crossed. f-ing cancer, I swear!

Seems like it never ends

I heard from my doctor on Monday about my scan and she says the radiologist mentioned "activity" was seen around my liver that may or may not be a "technical issue" whatever the hell that means. So I'm scheduled for a CAT Scan tomorrow morning so they can figure out exactly what it is. She doesn't think it's anything since it never showed up before on my last body scan from January but my doctor is the damn queen of checking and rechecking. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel about this. I'm definitely not happy. Frankly, I'm pissed off. I have to be selfish and irrational for a second to say, I feel like this is all unfair. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't use drugs, I eat healthy and I exercise everyday. I don't understand why my body is doing this to me. I sick of looking at those (medical)people's faces. I sick of being asked about my period and other personal bodily functions by complete strangers in front of my husband who's never even seen me pluck my eyebrows because that's just the way I am. I'm sick of needles, I'm sick of IVs, I'm sick of the white or pastel paint and ugly tacky artwork in every hospital waiting room, I'm tired of being on hold listening to really bad jazzy muzak trying to get appointments and confirmation numbers and insurance information. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it. I'm. Sick. Of. It. There I feel better.

I have to wake up early tomorrow and drink some really nasty tasting liquid before my appointment and then drink some more nasty tasting liquid when I get to my appointment and they're going to put an IV in my arm for the procedure. It's going to be so much fun......

Monday rules!

My massage was today. I picked out the girly-est, foufou place I could find. It was the nicest thing I could have ever done for myself. I almost feel like I should find some new things to get stressed out about just so I can have an excuse to go back there. The masseuse got a nice tip because not only was she good, but she also told me I had pretty skin. Rule of thumb good masseuses out there: Appealing to one's vanity when one feels like the Bag-Haggis of the Year increases tip outlook, whether it's a fake compliment or not. So there was my Post-Traumatic-Radiation/11th Year Anniversary Gift. The actual date is on Friday the 7th but I took my gift now thank you very much.

Today is the 3rd day since I've been back on my med and I notice a small change. Still tired but I'm getting there.

Me on the mend but not Peanut

I was allowed to get back on my med today. My scan went fast yesterday and the images were good enough for me to not have to come back today which is good because I was planning to revolt and just tell them to take what they have because there's no way in hell I would have been able to go without food again. I still feel like crap but hopefully I'll balance out in the next couple days. I've been trying to find a decent massage therapist just to help roll out the stress and soreness in my back and arms. I also moved my shoulder in such a way that pissed off my neck earlier today so hopefully I can find a place that can fit me in sometime soon. Spiritually I feel a little better because besides a tentative follow up and routine blood labs I don't need to deal with anything til next year, crossing my fingers. I'll probably hear from them about the scan next week but at this point, I don't really care if I hear from those people at all about it so long as they leave me alone for a while. I'm just happy the worst part is behind me.

But Peanut, poor Peanut is having butt problems again to put it mildly. He doesn't seem to be in any discomfort but something's just not right back there still. I was told he had some kind of strange benign cell growth a few months ago and he was taking some kind of exploratory medicine because I wanted to avoid him having to have another surgery since he's had, I think 3 in the past 2 years but........The last thing I could handle right now is if anything happens to my Peanut. He goes to the doctor tomorrow morning. I'm not going to panic. We'll do whatever needs to be done for him that we can afford so long as he's able to have a pain-free existence. He's such a trooper. I still remember the first thing I whispered to MrPea when I came to from my surgery last year was ,"You remembered to give Peanut his medicine right?" I was worried he would forget because Peanut was taking antibiotic for an infection and I'm usually the one who gives it to him. When I came home from the hospital after, I felt like he was avoiding me and I kept telling anyone who would listen,"I wish Peanut would love me again." It wasn't until a few days later that MrPea had to go to the store and leave me alone that I figured out Peanut hadn't been avoiding me at all. When I called him to sit by me he walked so slowly and tentatively with his head low that I realized it was because he knew I was somehow hurt and was just trying to be gentle. The rest of the time MrPea was gone he acted 'en garde' sitting at my feet with his eyes on the door and ears perked. I hate worse that he's having problems than I ever did about my having had cancer at all. But he's an old man now. Just yesterday it seems, it was Valentine's Day 1998 and we were driving him home over Lake Pontchartrain from the pig farm where he was born in Louisiana. Poor Peanut. I think he'll be ok, though he doesn't act like he's sick. I hope so.

It's not even March yet and already I feel like it's been a rough year.

Sorry no words sooner guys

I'm still not feeling well. Not from the radiation so much anymore just because they still won't let me back on my meds because of a body scan I have coming up on Thursday. This utterly pissed me off because I was told I could start taking my meds again 3 days after I left the hospital and then this new appointment was sprang upon me without even asking me. I don't like decisions being made in regards to my health without being informed of them. Doctor does not mean dictator and I absolutely did not like not being left out of the decision and I didn't like being told one thing a month ago and then something new all of a sudden. I'm sick of asking them when it's ok to go back on my meds so that I can feel normal again. It makes me feel like a junkie and a beggar and I don't appreciate being put in that position. I am absolutely livid over the fact that I was told I would only be off my regular meds for 2 weeks when here I am going on my 5th week feeling like all hell is inside my body and still no definite word about when I can start taking them again other than, "call us on the day after your scan and we'll probably call you back on Monday. Oh by the way, you're not supposed to eat anything day."( That means the first time I eat anything at all on Thursday will be around 9pm...yeah) I'm also angry over the fact that I specifically asked if I was going to have another body scan after the radiation and was told no because I had a feeling this was going to happen. I probably would not be this upset if not for the fact that I had to call 7-8 times over the course of 5 days with never a returned phone call from the person in charge of making appointments just to find out when my hospital stay was going to be but there's that to add to all the other frustration. The cherry on top of my irritation over the whole thing was back in January I agreed to have thyrogen injections before the first body scan because I made it clear that going off my meds was not something I felt comfortable doing in the first place. So that was a complete waste of time and money as well. I did communicate this with her office and, oh trust me, I will reiterate this on my next visit which I expect will happen sometime next week unless they want me to unleash my fury right there in the lobby. This is exactly what I mean when I stress to everyone how important it is for patients to be proactive in the care they receive. We are patients not sheep and I don't need to tell anyone that nobody gives a flying !@#$ so long as your insurance company approves the money needed and everyone gets paid. And I'll put this out there once more: I'm one of the HAVES when it comes to excellent insurance coverage. I already know that this is not always the case so if I can be treated this way so can anyone. Thyroid cancer is supposed to be the easiest cancer to treat and cure so I realize my impatience and anger is a relatively small issue in the larger scheme of things. And although I'm very thankful to have all that I have including a thorough doctor, I am beginning to get extremely irritated and question this need to check and recheck and recheck and re-treat. It's beginning to feel ridiculous and unnecessary. I know my own body, I do. I had 5 different doctors brush me off and say,"Oh you're fine," like I was some kind of whiny school girl and I KNEW that it was they who were wrong not me. So now I know that I am finished after this, finished, I don't care what the hell anyone says--it's time to move on and go back to the yearly routine not to have freak out sessions over unconfirmed issues. Because frankly I'm starting to believe that all this is doing more harm to my body than good. Especially since the tissues they were watching were not active and no biopsy was taken. If I begin to have other problems because of all this, there will be law suits and that's no threat.

I want to tell you guys, I'm not an assertive person. I'm usually a mouse. But the good that came from having cancer was that I no longer give a crap whether or not I'm perceived as nice when it comes to my health care. I don't expect to be treated like a baby or wined and dined and ass kissed, I don't. But I will be treated with respect and my decisions are not negotiations and my word is trump not anyone else's. It sucks that it took being sick to get to that but at least I got there.

I'll be blogvisiting ya'll soon. Thanks again guys for all your visits and words of encouragements. Take care :O) And thanks to Chani for your kind email and book suggestion, I'm only into the first 100 pages and I love it already.

Sweet Liberty

I'm home. I was able to get rid of most of the radiation in less than 24 hours. I was told this is rare. Yes! I'll be up and at em' tomorrow maybe. Thanks for checking in on me guys. Big hugs.

They forced me to put this on. It doesn't fit. My window blind was broken and i was able to fix it with a spring from a pen. I was feeling like such badass handyman for a minute :-) i snuck this old phone in with me that i'll throw away when i leave. I took the scary pill a couple hours ago. So far i'm not too nauseas just tired. I miss peanut and mrpea. Hopefully i'll get to go home tomorrow.

The door to my prison

I think i can post

I think i can post with my cell phone while i'm in the dern hospital.... If this works.

Almost over

I finally got an appointment for my radiation and hospital stay. It took about 6 phone calls since no one ever calls people back but I finally got someone to give me a definite day instead of a, "I think it'll be around....but I'll find out and call you back later today or tomorrow morning at the latest." I hate those people. I don't normally say things like that but right now I feel so awful I feel like I can say anything I want. I'll take it back when I get home and I'm feeling better. I already did all the prep stuff the other day, I had to get my blood drawn and a preg test. I go in on Tuesday at 11AM. They give me the scary blue radioactive pill at 1PM then I'm stuck in that prison, I mean room until I can pee and shower my way down to a safe enough level to go home. I'm going to try my best to get home the next evening. But I don't want to get my hopes up so I'll just say I expect to home by at least midday Thursday. After that I'm still 'quarantined' from the rest of society for 48 hours and then I can do whatever I want. I'm expecting not to feel too good anyway so I won't be sad about having to be at home. Since we all have to sleep apart, I'm setting up the guest room today and luckily Mr.Pea and I have separate bathrooms already. I feel like crap, I'm sore all over and tired as hell but I'm happy because I know it's over by the end of this week. AND I'm happy like I said I would be because this month has brought me closer to Spring and after checking the weather this morning, the temperature is already on the rise. The birds were going crazy this morning and there were little, bright lime green leaves forming on some of the bare trees. I also saw a pair of hawks nesting on one the tress nearby. Yes!




Oh just for the sake of telling someone, yesterday on the way from Peanut's doctor appointment, there was a strange man dressed in all black on the side walk of a busy road and he was, um, having fun with himself in front of all the world. Yeah. Do with that info whatever you want, I just wanted to let ya'll in on that. Kbye

Lamest blog on Earth?

I keep saying this: I know my posts have been few and sporadic but it's because I've been feeling sick. When I'm better, so will my posts and visiting will be more frequent. Should I just record it and make it a sound byte over here? It's true though.

This does not mean I want peeps to feel sorry for me because although, normally I enjoy the attention, but I don't want any pity, honest. Just some patience. Plus I don't feel as awful as one would think. Just tired and head&muscle achy. This is going to be over as soon as next week and then I'll be back to my annoying, smartassy, energy filled, shark tooth lovin', shoe buying, blog posting self.

Oh OH! I quit coffee again. I switched to decaf. This is because too much of my day is spent worrying about whether or not I'll have time for my caffeine fix. And I don't like the addict part of it all. But I do love coffee in the winter(pinch of sugar lots of cream) so the only way to keep it in my life until it gets hot outside again was to make the switch now. Another reason was that I was anticipating that the coffee in the hospital this coming week was going to be just as disgusting as it was last year so I thought it would be prudent to just wean myself off now and save myself the bratty temper tantrum I would be throwing to myself in that room all alone giving me another reason to get all depressed and wish I was at home. (good run on don't you think?) Which is what I'll be doing anyway but at least I won't be homesick for my own coffee. Coffee people, you guys understand what I'm talking about. There's no other coffee on Earth that tastes better than the pot you make for yourself everyday because it's just the way you like it. Anyway, I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Walking In The Fog

3 weeks down without the Synthroid and one to go before my appointment with radiation. dammit. I made a conscience decision not to drive until I'm back on that thyroid hormone replacement and feeling normal again because I've started having a hard time concentrating, am feeling sluggish and uncoordinated. I'm not complaining, I promise but since I'm having an honest moment here the achy-ness and swollen joints are enough to drive a girl mad. And did I mention my face and eyes are so puffy, I look like the Michelin man? I have to admit there's a mild depression plus a teaspoon of anxiety there too. It's normal and completely hormonal, well actually, due to the lack of hormone now that I think about it. But however mild, it's put a dip in any creative energy/motivation. That's not who I am. As much as I'd love to be one of those dark, sensitive artistic types, I'm of the smiley variety so I'm waiting for that part of me to come back. Listening to some really depressing music lately probably hasn't helped much.

This morning though, when I opened the curtains and saw a thick scary fog coming in from the direction of the sea, I got really excited. I hurried up to get myself together enough so Peanut and I could be out there in it before the sun got rid of it and ruined our fun. Fog should be a scary thing for a (sunworshiping)girl like me who's afraid of her own damn shadow. But it's a good scary and the painter I am likes the tricks fog plays on the eyes. Plus I'm just contrary like that.

Angry French hip hop on my ipod again, Peanut and I had a small bounce in our walk. As I've said before I'm not a huge fan of angry music but there's something to be said about a song utterly dedicated to what a baddass one is when you badly need to be reminded that you're a badass too. Smiling at two giggling preteen girls on their way to school, I turned and took the lake trail and stood there in front of the black water for a long time waiting for Peanut to spit out the dead lizard I had pretended not to notice him pick up and carry around in his mouth a few steps back. There were dark, long necked water fowl swimming around close by and they were skittish. I heard a sound in the air, looked up, and out of the fog, the biggest osprey I've ever seen appeared overhead with a fish in her claws. She swooped down on those black waterbirds, not to prey on them but just cuz she felt like it, just to show them who's territory they are in. Dammit. They sort of fell quickly to the side and bobbed back up again like buoys when it was safe. I whispered to myself,"yeah," and realized I'd been holding my breath. I'm not a fan of bullies either but ospreys can never do wrong in my eyes. And that osprey reminded me like no other dirty hip hop song ever could about what a badass is. I'm small but I'm powerful too. Dammit.