stuff

I had no other title for this post. And I've really been into list form lately so just put up with it until it passes.

1. I'm moving. About a mile away so I'm not really sure why I'm stressed out about it. Especially since I'm so in love with our new place and I have plenty of time to get everything ready(30 days). Something about moving just STRESSES me out. We've been in this condo for 4 years now and it's been great. I'm really happy for whoever gets to live here because it's the sunniest window-est place we've ever been in. But we've been wanting to move for a long time and it's taken us this long to find something we like. I'm superstitious so I won't go into details about this new place until I'm moved in. Keep your fingers crossed for me for the next 4 weeks, I don't relocate very well. I should be an expert at it since we've moved so many times but I get more stressed out than a bridezilla when I move. Under all the anxiety is a huge YAY, though. Details later.

2. I haven't looked for shark teeth in what seems like ages. And it feels like all is not right in the world when it's been this long. I can't blame it on the weather, the Florida fall makes me feel sorry for anyone who doesn't live here. It's because ever since I hated my July vacation pictures of myself , I've made a commitment to make exercise a priority in my life again. Exercise is really good for my self esteem even if I don't notice any change in the mirror so I've been jogging just about everyday and I don't jog on the beach like every other sane jogging person around here. As I've said before, this is torture. I cannot jog or do anything at the very place where thousands of shark teeth are waiting to be picked up by me. No I can't. So I jog in my neighborhood fitness room or at a park down the road. I would go crazy otherwise. I can't explain it, that's just the I am.

3. I hurt my neck today. I was driving and trying to take off a jacket at the same time. Suddenly my neck got mad at me. It hurts.

4. I realize most people wouldn't dream of moving during the Holiday season but strangely it makes me more excited. It will be a tight squeeze but I look forward to unpacking my Christmas decorations and celebrating a New Year in a new home. A home that I don't have memories of being sick or "radioactive" in. Does that make sense? Does to me.

Peanut is everyone's favorite nap partner

Speaking of naps. No nap for me today even though I only slept 3 hours last night(because I want to go to the beach). In fact for the past week or so I haven't been sleeping much either. I beg the heavens that I don't fall into the hell that is insomnia. I get a little neurotic when I know I'm not sleeping enough because I'm still a little traumatized from when I was 17 and was only able to sleep 3 or 4 hours a night. It lasted a few months and was only cured when we had to flee what we thought would be a head on hit from a really big hurricane. So we drove up to to West Virginia to visit my Grandparents for a few days. The hurricane ended up in the Carolinas, as most hurricanes did that year, unfortunately for them. And my insomnia went away, fortunately for me. Odd, you say? I had a similar experience the summer I turned 14. I. COULD. NOT. SLEEP. It lasted about 2 months. At the end of the summer just before school started, we went to visit my Grandparents and somehow it just went away. I was able to sleep again. Are you sensing a pattern? Obviously being around my Grandparents made me feel relaxed, peaceful and I just fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. But they are no longer in this world with me so I can't just buy a ticket to West Virginia and cure my insomnia as before. What should I do? I don't sleep well when I'm on vacation either, in case anyone was going to suggest a trip.(I would like to go on vacation though...there's a river in Central Fl where I can dig for megalodon teeth.) There is only one other place where I always sleep like an infant. That is in Canada, in my mother-in-law's guest room. BUT, my damn passport is expired and anyway, a ticket there costs a damn arm and leg because you have to catch the special plane from Montreal to get to MrPea's hometown whose airport is smaller than a 7-11(which, strangely, is why I love that place so much). You know the kind with the propellers that you can't bring heavy luggage on? Yeah that one. It adds about 4oo dollars to any cheap ticket anyone could find and I'm too scared to drive on the scary, bumpy mountain road. Sigh.


And I feel like I need to note that the 3 hours I did sleep last night were filled with horrible nightmares. I'm not stressed out, I don't think, so it can't be that? I don't eat at night so it can't be that? Maybe the beach will cure my problem.

Anyone have any ideas? The non medicated sort....what do you do, Internets, to help yourself sleep when you need the rest?

(Oh! And Happy Earth Day btw. Pictures of how I celebrate our Earth Home tomorow)

Confession

I actually considered buying a scanner specifically so I could show you guys my 8th grade school picture. I used to have a printer that scanned, but after my last radiation-iodine treatment MrPea bought me a photo printer that doesn't scan and got rid of the old one. So I have to get a new one eventually. I just wanted you guys to see me in my big 80s bangs, with turquoise blue eyeliner and frosted pink lipstick. So yeah, that's my confession: I once had mall hair and wore blue eyeliner(even though I wasn't technically allowed to wear makeup.) Do with that info what you want and I can't have one of those cute little retrospective posts all the cool people already did. I guess it doesn't really though because I haven't offered up any proof. Still though, you gotta give a girl credit just for the admission, that was hard for me :O)




BTW I left a message at my doctor's office yesterday because I still haven't heard from them even though I was PROMISED everything would be taken care of at the first of this month. I'm supposed to have thyrogen injections(I hate that word) to get me ready for a small dose of radio-iodine(radioactive but not as radioactive as the actual radiation treatment) so that I can have a body scan. And this all has to be specifically timed one day after the other for four days so that everything comes out as accurate as possible. Because if they see any cancer tissue left over then I have to go off my med again and have radiation. I told my doctor at my last appointment that I would be happiest if we did ASAP so that I can get it over with quickly and that by Spring which for me is March, I will be feeling up and at 'em again. Because if I just let it go and not say anything, I'll be waiting until Feb and even then they'll call me the day before to tell me I start my appointment the next day. Even though I TOLD them and TOLD them and even made them write it on my chart that my husband and I share our car, he works 30 minutes away so they need to let me know in advance so that we can plan and he always wants to come with me. I'm not very happy because she reassured me that things would move quickly for me and more efficiently since I was so angry about their incompetent scheduling procedures last year. I don't expect special treatment I just expect human treatment and for people to do what they say they are going to do. You can guess whether or not they called me back or not right? I'm going to go down there Monday morning, politely of course. But at least they'll know I mean business.....That's what I mean guys, that's the kind of stuff you have to do when you are a patient and at some time or other we all are. I used to be so mousy and in so many ways I still am. But when it comes to my health and well being I really don't give a flying, er, cookie, if people like me or not anymore. That's probably the only positive that came out of having cancer but I'll take it.

My Sweetheart's Heart

No news is NOT good news but at least I have some news. After all the tests my husband has what appears to be a healthy heart. But while he was in the hospital a dangerously low resting heart rate was detected which may explain what happened. Hopefully a good cardiologist and who ever else we need to see can answer the hows, whys, and what do we need to dos. For the sake of Mr.Pea's privacy and my anxiety, I won't talk about it too much after today. Normalcy is what we both want so I have promised him and myself that I will keep my dark fears to a minimum and return to my sunny side up self.

(But can I just tell you guys, that I feel even more anxiety now that he's home than I did while he was in the hospital. I didn't think a higher level than what I was experiencing was even possible but apparently my anxiety knows no bounds when I'm worried about someone. I'm sure that it's a release of some kind because the whole time I was trying to stay calm and hold it all together which is what I tend to do during a crisis. Now that he's home, the rest of my repressed nerves picked up some hammers and started banging my system. I think I have a healthy attitude about it though, I'm sort of just letting it happen because I know it will abate after a little while. Exercise helps a lot and today we got in some good beach time. Luckily MrPea is on vacation this week so we'll spend some good time together. Ok I won't say anymore about it...)

I want to say thanks to everyone who left a kind word for me and private emails. You internets are so nice...I luveth ya'll...expect some more vis'tin from me soon.


Oh and on another upbeat note. Peanut(canine member of the "Sick" family) had his follow up appointment today and Doc says he gets a clean bill of health. Finally!

Psychoman better watch out!

I finally got some pepper spray. I've been needing to get it for a long time now. I have to admit, and I've mentioned this before, I'm pretty paranoid. I always think everyone is a psychoman in disguise just waiting to kidnap me circa Silence of the Lambs and try to make an 'Angel suit.' I saw that movie when I was 15 and it ruined any sense of security I ever had. If Peanut and I are walking and I see someone walking towards me, I usually cross the road and walk on the other side, just in case it's psychoman. But one can never be too careful because, you know, psychoman can be hiding in the bushes. One morining when I was 19, I was out walking my pup in a beautiful and quiet neighborhood. There was a psychoman waiting for me crouched over on someone's driveway rubbing, um, himself on the asphalt. I called the police but they never found him. Doesn't matter though, psychoman is everywhere waiting for the right opportunity. Another time I was at a book store when I noticed a psychoman standing behind me trying to take a picture of my underwear with his cell phone. I screamed some serious profanities at him loud enough to make him run out of the store and into his psychovan. Then there was that psychoman incident at the pool. Not to mention another psychoman incident at Big Lots a couple months ago. I never told ya'll about that did I? Well I was checking out some picture frames when I noticed a man who, actually at first, I thought was my dad. I was just about to say hello but realized it wasn't my dad, it was a total stranger. He must have thought I was checking him out or something because he started talking to me. He asked me where I was from. I was polite but not friendly. I answered but then said I didn't have time to talk to anyone. He started making really creepy comments about how nice he thought my legs were. Again, polite, I said,"oh. ok. Have a good day." Then he kept following me and asked if my tan was natural and did I have tan lines and what kind of bathing suit do I have and do I have my bathing suit on underneath my clothes. I said, "ok, I'm sorry, this is creeping me out now. I really don't want to talk to you." He said,"ok nice talking to you." I thought that encounter was over. I was wrong. He kept passing by whatever aisle I was in. I got irritated and just decided to pay for my things and leave. Couldn't leave. Guess why. Yep, psychoman was standing near the exit watching. I pretended to look at vacuums just to see if I was correct for starting to get freaked out. I was. He started looking at vacuums too. So I just quickly walked out and got to my car as fast as I could. As I'm backing out, psychoman was standing in the middle of the damn parking lot watching me leave. When I told my friend Dee about it, she told me I should've called the police or at least told a store employee. She's right, but honestly I just wanted to leave, I was more irritated than scared. Every woman I know has a story like that and more than one so it's not like I think I'm special or that Psychoman just always picks me. This happens so frequently and it seems like we've all just accepted that it's a part of life. This makes me furious.

Don't think I'm sexist, psychoman doesn't nessesarily have to be man. A few months ago there were reports of some women going up to people asking what time it was and then hitting them in the face to snatch their purses at the grocery store where I shop.

Now I'm not saying that pepper spray is needed just because someone is bothering me at Big Lots, but I would have felt better knowing I had pepper spray in case psychoman tried to take it to the really scary level, like try to grab me. A close friend of mine got grabbed in a public bathroom at a department store. Luckily, she was strong and fought him off. Of course the police were called but he was long gone by the time they arrived.
SO now that I have my pepper spray I feel a little safer going on walks or jogging because if psychoman is hiding in the bushes I got something for him. Don't try it Psychoman. ok? Cuz Little Pea don't play.

I don't need to get on a soap box and tell ya'll to always protect yourself. I mean you guys out there too. Always trust your instincts and let's put that, "oh I don't want to be impolite" way of thinking behind us. Psychoman never attacked anyone because they were impolite. ( I got that tip from watching Oprah)

Got a creepy psychoman story? Leave me a comment so we can commiserate.....

Walking In The Fog

3 weeks down without the Synthroid and one to go before my appointment with radiation. dammit. I made a conscience decision not to drive until I'm back on that thyroid hormone replacement and feeling normal again because I've started having a hard time concentrating, am feeling sluggish and uncoordinated. I'm not complaining, I promise but since I'm having an honest moment here the achy-ness and swollen joints are enough to drive a girl mad. And did I mention my face and eyes are so puffy, I look like the Michelin man? I have to admit there's a mild depression plus a teaspoon of anxiety there too. It's normal and completely hormonal, well actually, due to the lack of hormone now that I think about it. But however mild, it's put a dip in any creative energy/motivation. That's not who I am. As much as I'd love to be one of those dark, sensitive artistic types, I'm of the smiley variety so I'm waiting for that part of me to come back. Listening to some really depressing music lately probably hasn't helped much.

This morning though, when I opened the curtains and saw a thick scary fog coming in from the direction of the sea, I got really excited. I hurried up to get myself together enough so Peanut and I could be out there in it before the sun got rid of it and ruined our fun. Fog should be a scary thing for a (sunworshiping)girl like me who's afraid of her own damn shadow. But it's a good scary and the painter I am likes the tricks fog plays on the eyes. Plus I'm just contrary like that.

Angry French hip hop on my ipod again, Peanut and I had a small bounce in our walk. As I've said before I'm not a huge fan of angry music but there's something to be said about a song utterly dedicated to what a baddass one is when you badly need to be reminded that you're a badass too. Smiling at two giggling preteen girls on their way to school, I turned and took the lake trail and stood there in front of the black water for a long time waiting for Peanut to spit out the dead lizard I had pretended not to notice him pick up and carry around in his mouth a few steps back. There were dark, long necked water fowl swimming around close by and they were skittish. I heard a sound in the air, looked up, and out of the fog, the biggest osprey I've ever seen appeared overhead with a fish in her claws. She swooped down on those black waterbirds, not to prey on them but just cuz she felt like it, just to show them who's territory they are in. Dammit. They sort of fell quickly to the side and bobbed back up again like buoys when it was safe. I whispered to myself,"yeah," and realized I'd been holding my breath. I'm not a fan of bullies either but ospreys can never do wrong in my eyes. And that osprey reminded me like no other dirty hip hop song ever could about what a badass is. I'm small but I'm powerful too. Dammit.

One down, one to go

(Anyone sick of hearing about my health stuff, go ahead and skip today's post. I promise it won't hurt my feelings because frankly, I'm sick of the topic myself. But I can't find my journal and I HAVE to write this all down or I'll go crazy. And we don't want that do we?)


I got my first thyrogen injection today. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. But it did hurt, trust me. I've never met anyone who liked needles so I know I'm not alone in that feeling. But it was just a minute of discomfort and the no-nonsense nurse didn't give me enough time freak out. I have one more injection tomorow, a radio iodine pill on Wednesday and a complete body scan on Friday. Assuming the results are good I don't expect to have any big radiation pills and can just go along my merry way until next year. (I'm still not allowed to have any babies until my doctor says it's ok, but that's ok with me for now) I prepared to not do anything today and tomorrow in case I had any weird side effects but so far so good. I do have a little anxiety. I had to do this because it's been over a year since my radiation and it was time to see if there were any leftover cancer cells that the radiation didn't kill or recurrence. Last year I had to go off my med for two months before the radio iodine pill and body scan so that my results would be accurate and I was MISERABLE. I was weak, dizzy, achy, emotional, forgetful, not to mention BLOATED all over(especially my face, and I already have chubby cheeks as is it-not that I'm complaining, but you know what I mean). So when my doctor said I could get these injections instead of going off my meds, of course I prefer that. But I read one of the risks is that it can slightly lower the accuracy of the test results. I mean, I trust this doctor above all, I know she would never suggest something that wouldn't work, she's the one who found my cancer in the first place. I even asked her about it and she said not to worry. In the kind of cancer I was diagnosed with recurrence risk is usually pretty low, but(of course) my case was special because of the size of my tumor and how fast it was. I keep asking myself, did I make the right choice? This was a decision I had to make by myself. I have been 'taken care of' all my life. I grew up having everything 'done' for me and then married a husband who spoils me.
My husband and I (especially me) have had a sort of prolonged adolescence just because we've been married for almost 11 years and still don't have any children or big responsibilities. We been able to live where we want and travel some. So we have a great deal of freedom and ease, especially me because I'm not joking, bragging or exaggerating when I say that I'm spoiled.(and I don't even really mean spoiled materially because it's not that way- I just mean that I do have everything I need and for the most part, I don't have any demands placed upon me, something I thank the Lord for every night) This blog is the perfect example of how I live, I pretty much do whatever I feel like doing.
This is not to say that I've never been on my own before, I have and I was fine. It's just that, for me, making decisions about working and being able to pay rent and bills were so small in comparison to the decisions I have had to make on my own about my health. Those kinds of things don't scare me. It's all mechanical- work, pay bills. But stuff like this I can't really control or delegate the decisions to some else I trust.... or just forget about and go to the beach. I'm rambling, but that's what I do when I'm nervous. I'll feel better tomorrow. Actually I feel better already.

Sigh of relief (not)

I just got my scary medical procedures appointments that I've been waiting for for over a month now. It all starts Monday and lasts all week and then I don't know what comes after that. I'm not really scared because this is routine but the words,'injections' and 'radioactive' make me a little anxious. Just a little. I'll still be posting. Other than mild nausea, I shouldn't have any other side effects and will be able to just do what I do so I'll still be around....I definitely need to catch up with my visiting over the weekend, I've been slackin' off at the beach all week and I don't feel at all guilty.

I just felt like writing all that down.

oh-And I want to note that it's not really all that scary, I just like to describe it that way. Because I am a big spoiled baby.

Sqirrel Treefrog Random

-Ok I was on the internets for hours trying to identify that frog. I think I'm right, correct me anyone. I was going crazy. I geek out about that kind of stuff. I don't know much about amphibians only that I used to catch them when I was little and try to keep them as pets in my backyard. I would then start to feel sorry for them and let them go after a couple hours.

-Well there's a huge possibility(as in I'm just about positive) that we might be moving. There are a few options in the lurch all in the state of Florida so I'm happy about that. The likeliest of places will be far away from the ocean, though(sniffsniff). With the exception of the times we lived in California and Louisiana, I have never lived more than a few minutes away from the ocean so I get a little separation anxiety. Spoiled right? Oh well. Wherever we end up, I'll still miss my secret beach. I'm not even going to go into how my heart hurts just thinking about that. But I'm happy. I think I would feel a lot worse if we had to move someplace like Connecticut or Boston. Not that I have anything against either of those places, I've never even been there. Those are just examples of cold weather to me. I'm just of the mind that the only places I could leave the state of Florida for not kicking and screaming would be Hawaii or California. Texas maybe. Ok Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada would be fine. Ok just anywhere in the southern part where I could wear shorts most of the time like I do here. I would have to find a new hobby though because I don't think shark teeth can be found in any of those places unless it were the megalodon. But even then , I'm not sure.


-What the hell can be found in Central Florida? Alligator teeth? I guess I could look for other fossils but it wouldn't be the same. Maybe I'd have to start bird watching. Or maybe I should just get a damn job.

-Damn! I hate moving. I'm just going to say that once. Ya'll won't hear me complain about that again. But just for the record, I've moved about 14 times in the past 11 years. OK? yeah.

Just for the record Medical Random

-I went to get some blood work done today for the hundred-and-eleventieth damn time. And I just feel like saying in brief bitch mode: I'm sick of needles. I'm sick of doctors' offices. I hate the 'art work' in just about every doctor's waiting room I've ever been in, which has been a lot. I hate how cold it is in waiting rooms and that they always only have Golf magazines,which wouldn't bother me if I didn't hate golf. I hate that waiting room tvs are always tuned to old episodes of,"In the Heat of the Night." (I didn't even know that show was still playing in reruns. ) I hate when people are rough with my arm when taking blood and then look at me like I'm acting like a baby when I wince. I hate the fact that I never stick up for myself when this happens. Ok I'm done bitching. I only let myself do that for 2 minutes a day.

-By the way that didn't happen today. There is a guy who works there who always leaves bruises on my arm every time I get him. Today I got the gentle lady. She is always soft to me and I think it's because of the time I had to go in for blood work two days after my surgery. I had just came home from the hospital the night before and was so obviously not feeling well. I was taking a lot of pain meds and anxiety meds because of all the shit I'd been through(I still never told ya'll about how mean the nurses in the hospital were to me did I?) so I was pret-ty emotional and really couldn't walk much without help. I never cry in front of people I don't know. Ne-ver. But I was so damn not well, when she stuck me with the needle, I started to cry. I was so embarrassed. I sort of passed out in the waiting room on the way out afterwards too. I felt like such a jackass. But ever since then, she always says to me, "I remember you. I had you that day you weren't doing so good. Felt so bad for you dear. We'll try not to hurt you so bad this time. " She reminds me of my Grandma. She has no idea how thankful I am that people like her exist on this Earth.

-I have a couple scary medical things coming up any day now. I'm just waiting for them to call me with my appointment. I try not to be a baby about it but I can't help it. I'm scared of all that stuff. No matter how many times I'm told I'll be fine, there's nothing anyone can ever say to me that makes me feel any better. For 30 years I was able to depend on my body-engine without question and then one day I woke up and one of my parts was broken.
A local news anchor announced a recurrence of cancer. Even though, it's not the same as the one I had, worse and more deadly than the one I had, I got scared. I kept thinking, is this going to happen to me? Am I going to be ok for a while and then get hit in the head with this again and again? I hope not. I'm tired of putting on a brave and happy face all the time. Tired of it.

-Peanut had a, ahem, medical procedure today too. His vet took his temperature and he was so good. His new medicine seems to be working(KNOCK ON WOOD!) so I'm happy about that right now. I was so worried about him. His birthday is on Dec.11 and he'll be 10 years old. I'm not going to have a dog party for him but I want to do something special. Maybe buy him a new bed for one of his hiding spots and take him to the dog park.

Secrets

All my life I have always wanted to be like my Grandmother. I ask myself everyday if she was alive, would she be proud of me? She was so loving and sweet. She had a gift for making the simplest things so special. One of my favorite memories was the summer I turned 5 years old. It was about a week before my actual birthday and we were visiting them because my family was moving to Hawaii. We had just finished dinner and I asked if I could have a Twinkie for dessert. She went into the kitchen to get one for me and when she came back, my Twinkie was on a plate with a lit candle in it and she made everyone sing to me even though it wasn't my birthday yet. I was so happy, for a second, I really thought it was my birthday and I even asked my mom if it meant that I was 5 now. Just thinking about that Twinkie makes me feel as special today as I did in that moment 26 years ago. I've been told that sometimes I'm like my Grandpa. He wasn't one to hold back words. If he had something to say, you were going to hear the truth whether you liked it or not. I don't know if I really am like that or not. I'd like to think I am a combination of both: being able to be honest with delicacy. The truth is, I often rather keep my mouth shut because I don't like hurting anyone's feelings. The one thing I somehow inherited from my Grandma that I wish I didn't was the fact that I worry so much over everyone I love. I was once told by someone who didn't know me well that that kind of worry is rooted in a need to control everything. Anyone who knows anything at all about me would laugh. I am the most passive person in the world. I hate controlling people and that's the last quality on Earth I would wish for. I don't even like it when I'm given the opportunity to pick out a place to eat. A word I use the most in my life is, "whatever...." , as in, "whatever you guys want to do, I'm happy anywhere." This is the truth. Another thing I inherited from my Grandma is being happy in any situation as long as everyone else is happy. I don't worry about myself, I have always had a charmed life and even when bad things have happened, I'm always ok, I always bounce back. That's just me. But not everyone has what I have, happiness and ease. And it kills me to see someone I love struggle. Anyway that's not what I wanted to talk about right now, I have something heavy on my mind and I find myself wishing my Grandparents were still here so badly, I feel like I can't breathe . I wanted to talk about how much I hate keeping secrets. I wanted to go into how there's a big difference between secrets, privacy, and surprises; three things we're always supposed to keep quiet about. It's just that, for me, there's always a heaviness about a secret. A secret is always something that's supposed to be hidden, not spoken about, has consequences, is usually shameful to the person it belongs to. I hate secrets so I just don't keep any, that is, I don't go around telling people's secrets, I just don't keep any of my own. If someone asks me something with good intentions, I'll tell, no matter how deep. I. don't. like. secrets. And for some reason, people tell me their secrets. I once had a cashier at the grocery store who I'd never met before tell me a couple things about her husband's anatomy that I didn't even want to know. This happens to me all the time. I should elaborate on this fact another time but I'm too anxious for all that. This post is a perfect example of what's going on in mind right now. My thoughts are going in all directions because basically someone revealed a secret to me recently that has me happy, sad, and scared to death for that person all at the same time. I wasn't able to say, don't worry, it's ok, because it is SO not ok. And all I can think about is how I wish my Grandma was alive to tell me everything would be fine and then we would pray for whoever I was worried about because she was so good at that. Much better than me.

Conversation this morning with my friend

Me: Is everything ok?

Her: Yeah.

Me: Well I've been worried about you.

Her: Really? Why?

Me: Are you drinking again?

Her: No. Am I acting weird?

Me: No, just a feeling I had. If you are, you can tell me. It's not like I'm going to yell at you or something. I just want to know, so I know what to expect.

Her: I'm not, honest. I would tell you.


I think it's a lie. I'm not even going 'there' anymore because I'm having some health problems myself and the anxiety just makes it worse....still though.

Pretty Depressing S***

I'm not used to being this serious on my blog but I have such a feeling of dread. Truly, I have no real reason other than my intuition but I am pretty sure one of my oldest and dearest friends has fallen off the wagon.(again) I've nursed her through 3 of her drinking binges in the past year and a half. I was there cleaning, wiping tears, changing blankets, even just sitting in silence while she slept until the day she went to rehab.(again) I was the first to visit on the day she came home. Even then, I had a feeling that it was too early, that she still wasn't ready. I told myself I was still haunted by the sight of her the day I walked into her unlocked door and found her on the floor with Lord knows what all over her clothes.(again) When just the night before I left her in clean clothes and good spirits(no pun intended) not getting in my car until I heard the click of her locking the door and the light turned off. I remember calling one of those AA help lines and started screaming at the girl on the line who told me I was an enabler. She was probably right. I don't understand alcoholism. I saw terror in my friend's eyes who up until then I thought was afraid of NOTHING. I'm the one with all the fears and phobias-her?she can snap a monster in half! It was like the real her was trapped and she couldn't get out. This is someone who has so many good things in her life. Loved ones,a home, money, beauty, boyfriends, this woman has everything. She went off to rehab a week before I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I couldn't help feeling just a little selfish resentment because if not for her f-ing drinking she would have been there with me, cleaning, wiping tears, changing blankets, sitting in silence while I slept and helping me do all the girly things my husband's chromosome blocks him from knowing about.
I was so proud of her singing at church this Easter. I hadn't been to church since last year and that was the only reason I wanted to go. She looked so happy up there. Why does she keep sabotaging her own life? I keep going over and over in my head if I should just come out and ask her, "Have you started drinking again?" And if the answer is yes, I don't have the health nor the emotional stability I had last time to 'do' this. She told me before that it's her responsibility and not to disrupt my own life if anything like that were to ever happen again. That is a hell of a thing to tell someone whose seen you with a black eye and bruised ribs and nobody knows where it came from. I'm probably worrying for nothing, but it was this same awful feeling I had right before each time it happened. I hope I'm just worrying for nothing and I already know that if I'm right that I will have to detach and let someone else take care of it for the sake of my own health. This is what it's like to care about someone you know you can't help.