Thursday, May 03, 2007

Pretty Depressing S***

I'm not used to being this serious on my blog but I have such a feeling of dread. Truly, I have no real reason other than my intuition but I am pretty sure one of my oldest and dearest friends has fallen off the wagon.(again) I've nursed her through 3 of her drinking binges in the past year and a half. I was there cleaning, wiping tears, changing blankets, even just sitting in silence while she slept until the day she went to rehab.(again) I was the first to visit on the day she came home. Even then, I had a feeling that it was too early, that she still wasn't ready. I told myself I was still haunted by the sight of her the day I walked into her unlocked door and found her on the floor with Lord knows what all over her clothes.(again) When just the night before I left her in clean clothes and good spirits(no pun intended) not getting in my car until I heard the click of her locking the door and the light turned off. I remember calling one of those AA help lines and started screaming at the girl on the line who told me I was an enabler. She was probably right. I don't understand alcoholism. I saw terror in my friend's eyes who up until then I thought was afraid of NOTHING. I'm the one with all the fears and phobias-her?she can snap a monster in half! It was like the real her was trapped and she couldn't get out. This is someone who has so many good things in her life. Loved ones,a home, money, beauty, boyfriends, this woman has everything. She went off to rehab a week before I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I couldn't help feeling just a little selfish resentment because if not for her f-ing drinking she would have been there with me, cleaning, wiping tears, changing blankets, sitting in silence while I slept and helping me do all the girly things my husband's chromosome blocks him from knowing about.
I was so proud of her singing at church this Easter. I hadn't been to church since last year and that was the only reason I wanted to go. She looked so happy up there. Why does she keep sabotaging her own life? I keep going over and over in my head if I should just come out and ask her, "Have you started drinking again?" And if the answer is yes, I don't have the health nor the emotional stability I had last time to 'do' this. She told me before that it's her responsibility and not to disrupt my own life if anything like that were to ever happen again. That is a hell of a thing to tell someone whose seen you with a black eye and bruised ribs and nobody knows where it came from. I'm probably worrying for nothing, but it was this same awful feeling I had right before each time it happened. I hope I'm just worrying for nothing and I already know that if I'm right that I will have to detach and let someone else take care of it for the sake of my own health. This is what it's like to care about someone you know you can't help.

4 comments:

super des said...

Oh Pea, this is hard. I say ask her, because you are a good friend. Maybe when she sees how upset this makes you, that'll be the push she needs to stop.

Blondie said...

I dated an alcoholic. Trust me, the best thing to do is to ask. (which also makes you an non-enabler so you can feel good about yourself). It's hard, but it's the right thing to do.

I've also had some friendships that had to end because of behavior caused by a variety of illnesses. There comes a point in time when you have to walk away. It's hard, really hard, but it is the best thing for you and your own life. I'll be thinking of you.

Laurie said...

*Hugs*

Madge said...

I send hugs, too.