Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Secrets

All my life I have always wanted to be like my Grandmother. I ask myself everyday if she was alive, would she be proud of me? She was so loving and sweet. She had a gift for making the simplest things so special. One of my favorite memories was the summer I turned 5 years old. It was about a week before my actual birthday and we were visiting them because my family was moving to Hawaii. We had just finished dinner and I asked if I could have a Twinkie for dessert. She went into the kitchen to get one for me and when she came back, my Twinkie was on a plate with a lit candle in it and she made everyone sing to me even though it wasn't my birthday yet. I was so happy, for a second, I really thought it was my birthday and I even asked my mom if it meant that I was 5 now. Just thinking about that Twinkie makes me feel as special today as I did in that moment 26 years ago. I've been told that sometimes I'm like my Grandpa. He wasn't one to hold back words. If he had something to say, you were going to hear the truth whether you liked it or not. I don't know if I really am like that or not. I'd like to think I am a combination of both: being able to be honest with delicacy. The truth is, I often rather keep my mouth shut because I don't like hurting anyone's feelings. The one thing I somehow inherited from my Grandma that I wish I didn't was the fact that I worry so much over everyone I love. I was once told by someone who didn't know me well that that kind of worry is rooted in a need to control everything. Anyone who knows anything at all about me would laugh. I am the most passive person in the world. I hate controlling people and that's the last quality on Earth I would wish for. I don't even like it when I'm given the opportunity to pick out a place to eat. A word I use the most in my life is, "whatever...." , as in, "whatever you guys want to do, I'm happy anywhere." This is the truth. Another thing I inherited from my Grandma is being happy in any situation as long as everyone else is happy. I don't worry about myself, I have always had a charmed life and even when bad things have happened, I'm always ok, I always bounce back. That's just me. But not everyone has what I have, happiness and ease. And it kills me to see someone I love struggle. Anyway that's not what I wanted to talk about right now, I have something heavy on my mind and I find myself wishing my Grandparents were still here so badly, I feel like I can't breathe . I wanted to talk about how much I hate keeping secrets. I wanted to go into how there's a big difference between secrets, privacy, and surprises; three things we're always supposed to keep quiet about. It's just that, for me, there's always a heaviness about a secret. A secret is always something that's supposed to be hidden, not spoken about, has consequences, is usually shameful to the person it belongs to. I hate secrets so I just don't keep any, that is, I don't go around telling people's secrets, I just don't keep any of my own. If someone asks me something with good intentions, I'll tell, no matter how deep. I. don't. like. secrets. And for some reason, people tell me their secrets. I once had a cashier at the grocery store who I'd never met before tell me a couple things about her husband's anatomy that I didn't even want to know. This happens to me all the time. I should elaborate on this fact another time but I'm too anxious for all that. This post is a perfect example of what's going on in mind right now. My thoughts are going in all directions because basically someone revealed a secret to me recently that has me happy, sad, and scared to death for that person all at the same time. I wasn't able to say, don't worry, it's ok, because it is SO not ok. And all I can think about is how I wish my Grandma was alive to tell me everything would be fine and then we would pray for whoever I was worried about because she was so good at that. Much better than me.

8 comments:

flutter said...

I'd bet you're pretty amazing at it too.

super des said...

Aw, pea. *hugs* I'm sure your g-ma is very proud of you, wherever she is.

Why would your caring about someone you love make you a control freak? That's the definition of love!

MsLittlePea said...

Thanks guys.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Sweet Pea, I think there is a lot of your grandmother in you. she sounds like a charming and delightful woman, like you.

I hope the secret you are holding works out perfectly for everyone. Sometimes, all we can do is pray.

MsLittlePea said...

I hope so to. It's not my hardship to bear, I know that...still though.

Blondie said...

UGH. I hate secrets, too. Too many of them turn the soul black. But usually, they all come out with time. You just have to wait it out. Good luck, peaster!

anne said...

Belatedly... I think you are probably just as good as praying as your grandma was... and I have absolutely no doubt that she would be proud of you. Is proud of you.

anne said...

(at praying, not as praying)