Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Tuesday Confession

I felt so free last week so I thought I should do it again.

I used to smoke. It was a disgusting habit that started behind my best friend's above ground pool when we were twelve. I quit the day I turned twenty. The truth is, I was never really a true smoker. It was mainly because I wanted to be cool. This is not my confession though.

Here goes: I used to steal people's lighters. I'm not sure why, but a couple of my friends and I started this sick, silly competition of who could steal the most lighters. The rules were you had to steal lighters in front of your victim and never from the store-that doesn't count. I don't think we were actually competing for anything more than bragging rights but I have to admit that I was the best at it. My method was to pretend I didn't have one and,"Oh can I borrow yours,heehee?", then put it on the table or wherever I was sitting instead of giving it back, then put it in my pocket by the end of the night. Another rule was that if the person you stole your lighter from asked for it back, you had to play stupid and hand it over. So if you knew me when I was 18-20, I probably stole a lighter or two or three from you. If you hung out with me, I had already planned out how your lighter would end up in my pocket by the end of our encounter within 30 seconds. We even had a sick way of furtively showing each other the lighter we were just about to steal before slipping in into a pocket or purse right from under the victim's nose, giggling the entire time. This is the dumbest game on Earth but my two friends and I gained so much sick happiness out of this game that once in a while I'll be watching something on tv or observing people smoking together and think to myself,"Now! Now! He's not looking! Put it in your bra, nobody will notice. Damn! You missed the perfect opportunity!"

Some people play video games endlessly, some shop lift, some gamble, some do crack, some just sit around and played scrabble. Me, I stole lighters. Until I reformed my soul, quit smoking and realized the stupidness (a new word, it just sounds so much better than stupidity) of stealing lighters. Forgive me fellow and former smokers of the world, for I have sinned.




*I'm not a kleptomaniac, I promise. Other than lighters from unknowing innocent smokers, I've never stolen anything in my life. Anyone who doesn't want to be friends with me anymore, it's ok, sniffsniff, I understand, sniffsniff, it doesn't hurt my feelings. Does the excuse that I was a teenager and a penniless college student change your mind? NO? Ok fine, go be friends with someone else then...sniffsniff
And just for the record quitting smoking was the best decision I ever made.


Again feel free to purge yourself from your misguided transgressions here, if you feel the inclination. You are forgiven, my peeps.

13 comments:

Jay said...

Well, of all the addictions you might had, this one seems pretty harmless, especially since you actually quit the cancer-causing part.

MsLittlePea said...

Quitting smoking was so easy. For me, at least.

Madge said...

You little thief!

Laurie said...

Think of it as protecting your victims from themselves!

Good on you for quitting!

MsLittlePea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MsLittlePea said...

Madge-I'm so going to hell. Pray for me ;)

Laurie-yeah!That sounds better. Who knows what kinds of bad things they could have done with all those lighters. I did a public service, really...

thethinker said...

That actually sounds like a pretty fun game. Just because you quit smoking (which is a great thing), doesn't mean you have to stop playing.

MsLittlePea said...

It was...everyone I know pretty much quit too so lighter thieving the oppurtunity is rare. Plus the friends who I invented the game with had kids and moved away.

SUEB0B said...

My cat Antonio used to steal things. One of the things he brought me was a lighter in a beaded case. Did you teach him?

Courtney said...

My friends and I used to play the lighter game, too. I was okay at getting lighters, but I was a master of holding on to mine.

MsLittlePea said...

sueb0b-Antonio was my protege. I am bursting with pride!

courtney-I have to say I was good at stealing them but not very good at keeping mine from getting stolen.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Before my alcohol allergy kicked in full-force, I was out on a date and after several drinks, got the idea that I was entitled to all the pretzel baskets on tables around the bar.

I went to every table and smilingly asked if it was all right to borrow their pretzels. No one said no, and I took them all back to my table, about 25 baskets of pretzels. It didn't occur to me that there was anything wrong with this.

I still like pretzels.

MsLittlePea said...

That's so funny! I like them too!