Tuesday Confession

I felt so free last week so I thought I should do it again.

I used to smoke. It was a disgusting habit that started behind my best friend's above ground pool when we were twelve. I quit the day I turned twenty. The truth is, I was never really a true smoker. It was mainly because I wanted to be cool. This is not my confession though.

Here goes: I used to steal people's lighters. I'm not sure why, but a couple of my friends and I started this sick, silly competition of who could steal the most lighters. The rules were you had to steal lighters in front of your victim and never from the store-that doesn't count. I don't think we were actually competing for anything more than bragging rights but I have to admit that I was the best at it. My method was to pretend I didn't have one and,"Oh can I borrow yours,heehee?", then put it on the table or wherever I was sitting instead of giving it back, then put it in my pocket by the end of the night. Another rule was that if the person you stole your lighter from asked for it back, you had to play stupid and hand it over. So if you knew me when I was 18-20, I probably stole a lighter or two or three from you. If you hung out with me, I had already planned out how your lighter would end up in my pocket by the end of our encounter within 30 seconds. We even had a sick way of furtively showing each other the lighter we were just about to steal before slipping in into a pocket or purse right from under the victim's nose, giggling the entire time. This is the dumbest game on Earth but my two friends and I gained so much sick happiness out of this game that once in a while I'll be watching something on tv or observing people smoking together and think to myself,"Now! Now! He's not looking! Put it in your bra, nobody will notice. Damn! You missed the perfect opportunity!"

Some people play video games endlessly, some shop lift, some gamble, some do crack, some just sit around and played scrabble. Me, I stole lighters. Until I reformed my soul, quit smoking and realized the stupidness (a new word, it just sounds so much better than stupidity) of stealing lighters. Forgive me fellow and former smokers of the world, for I have sinned.




*I'm not a kleptomaniac, I promise. Other than lighters from unknowing innocent smokers, I've never stolen anything in my life. Anyone who doesn't want to be friends with me anymore, it's ok, sniffsniff, I understand, sniffsniff, it doesn't hurt my feelings. Does the excuse that I was a teenager and a penniless college student change your mind? NO? Ok fine, go be friends with someone else then...sniffsniff
And just for the record quitting smoking was the best decision I ever made.


Again feel free to purge yourself from your misguided transgressions here, if you feel the inclination. You are forgiven, my peeps.