Who are the people in yer neighborhood....in yer neighborhood.....in yer....

Since I walk Peanut all over the place, I've been a witness to everything that goes on here and met a lot of my neighbors. I thought I should take it upon myself to 'help' out a little........


Dear LadyNextDoorWhoHatesMe,
It's ok that you hate me. But I should let you know, just for the sake of female solidarity that leather pants are not for you. You're just too skinny for them and too preppy. You don't strike me as a fringe kind of gal either. You need some more hips to really pull that off and you've got a great figure, really. I know you were going for a Pat Benetar kind of thing but you should stick to the Gap, it looks nicer and it suits you. But the hooker boots are really hot, hang on to them-I'm thinking about getting a pair for myself, actually. I know you wondering why I think you hate me, but, we're adults ok? I figured out your dislike for me, oh, around about the 5th time I said hello to you walking up the stairs and for the 5th time, you gave me a dirty look and said nothing. It's fine, not everyone has to like me, I'm at peace with that. But tell me, just for future references, is it because you don't like my taste in music when I'm in the shower? That was my first theory. Or is it my hair? Just wondering......By the way, again for the sake of female solidarity, I won't tell your boyfriend about the guy on the Harley I saw you kissing the other night while in said leather pants. See you around and have a nice day.


Dear DumbestLadyInTheWorldWhoLivesNearTheLake,
The reason I asked you if you were from Florida during our last encounter is because I noticed you feeding the alligator with your two small children and I assumed your reason for doing so had to one of 2 things: A) you're not from Florida and have no idea how dangerous alligators are when they are not afraid of humans--OR--- B) you're the dumbest person on Earth. Since you're answer was yes you're from here, I'm free to assume away. I just have a teeny, tiny request. PLEASE STOP DOING THAT YOU STUPID IDIOT! I really enjoy my walks with Peanut and one of our fondest wishes is to NOT get eaten. If one of us happens to get grabbed and pulled under, I'll know who to blame. By the way I've called the Fish and Wildlife Authorities and told them someone was feeding the alligator and they wanted to know who. But since I'm big on female solidarity I lied and said I wasn't sure who because I wasn't wearing my contacts. That's a huge lie because I don't/have never worn contacts. They plan on relocating the alligator so you'll have to find something safer to teach your kids...See you around and have a nice day.


Dear SingleLadyAcrossTheHall,
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. In fact I like you, you're nice and surprisingly normal. I might know a cute surfer to introduce you to. We should go to Starbucks together and I'll tell you all about it. I'm free on Thursday....See you around and have a nice day.


Dear CreepyManWhoScaredMeAtThePoolLastSummer,
Don't ever ask me for my cell phone while blocking my way out ever again. I have pepper spray and I'm not an idiot. Just because I'm by myself doesn't mean I'm vulnerable and dumb enough accept your lurking behavior and the accidental 'oops my shorts are falling off ' routine. Do it again, and my husband and brother are ready to come over and help you solve your problems. You live 2 minutes away from the damn pool, walk your creepy ass back to your house if you need a phone that bad. Stop taking pictures of the women who lay out while trying to pretend you're taking pictures of the trees. Everyone is on to you and the next time the police are called, they are not going to believe the lame tree photo story you gave them. We check the sex offender website monthly looking for you because face it, one of these days you will be on it. Hopefully before your behavior escalates and frankly, you should seek a psychiatrist because it will. You creep us all out and, actually, we all think you should move. Far away. Maybe Antarctica. Thanks, hope I don't see you around and have a nice day.


Dear PoorUnknowingMotherAndFatherWhoLiveNearTheWoods,
You both seem like really nice people so I thought you should know that your adolescent daughter is flashing her chest at some of the cars passing by while waiting for her bus. I'm not sure exactly why she does that, maybe you should ask her. She seems like a nice girl too. See you around and have a nice day.


Dear GuyWhoThinksHeSuperHotAndLivesDownStairs,
Do you think you could maybe rev your loud obnoxious engine for 30 minutes everyday NOT right next to my window? I know and understand that you want to make sure everyone in the building knows how hot you think you are and how youthful you try to be but we enjoy NOT listening to a loud, annoying, obnoxious engine. Thanks. And by the way Don Johnson circa 1980s called and is asking for his Miami Vice wardrobe and hair back. You're a handsome man, you don't need the blonde highlights, I'm sure they cost a fortune. Ok keep the look, I won't make fun of you anymore. Just, you know, stop with the engine ok? See you around and have a nice day.


Dear GuyWhoPlaysTheDrumsInHisGarage,
Thanks for doing that in your closed garage by the way, it means you have consideration for other people. Truthfully, I enjoy it. Sounds good. Keep at it. There's a single girl across the hall from me, you should ask her out. You should know that I plan on introducing her to someone though. Try the LadyNextDoorWhoHatesMe. She likes the bad boy type. See you around and have a nice day.


Dear GrouchyLadyWhoWalksAroundWithaCamcorderTryingToGetPeople
InTroubleForBreakingCondoRules,
You get on everyone's nerves. Get a damn life. Or a job. See you around and have a nice day.



To be continued because I have a hundred more....