Me on the mend but not Peanut

I was allowed to get back on my med today. My scan went fast yesterday and the images were good enough for me to not have to come back today which is good because I was planning to revolt and just tell them to take what they have because there's no way in hell I would have been able to go without food again. I still feel like crap but hopefully I'll balance out in the next couple days. I've been trying to find a decent massage therapist just to help roll out the stress and soreness in my back and arms. I also moved my shoulder in such a way that pissed off my neck earlier today so hopefully I can find a place that can fit me in sometime soon. Spiritually I feel a little better because besides a tentative follow up and routine blood labs I don't need to deal with anything til next year, crossing my fingers. I'll probably hear from them about the scan next week but at this point, I don't really care if I hear from those people at all about it so long as they leave me alone for a while. I'm just happy the worst part is behind me.

But Peanut, poor Peanut is having butt problems again to put it mildly. He doesn't seem to be in any discomfort but something's just not right back there still. I was told he had some kind of strange benign cell growth a few months ago and he was taking some kind of exploratory medicine because I wanted to avoid him having to have another surgery since he's had, I think 3 in the past 2 years but........The last thing I could handle right now is if anything happens to my Peanut. He goes to the doctor tomorrow morning. I'm not going to panic. We'll do whatever needs to be done for him that we can afford so long as he's able to have a pain-free existence. He's such a trooper. I still remember the first thing I whispered to MrPea when I came to from my surgery last year was ,"You remembered to give Peanut his medicine right?" I was worried he would forget because Peanut was taking antibiotic for an infection and I'm usually the one who gives it to him. When I came home from the hospital after, I felt like he was avoiding me and I kept telling anyone who would listen,"I wish Peanut would love me again." It wasn't until a few days later that MrPea had to go to the store and leave me alone that I figured out Peanut hadn't been avoiding me at all. When I called him to sit by me he walked so slowly and tentatively with his head low that I realized it was because he knew I was somehow hurt and was just trying to be gentle. The rest of the time MrPea was gone he acted 'en garde' sitting at my feet with his eyes on the door and ears perked. I hate worse that he's having problems than I ever did about my having had cancer at all. But he's an old man now. Just yesterday it seems, it was Valentine's Day 1998 and we were driving him home over Lake Pontchartrain from the pig farm where he was born in Louisiana. Poor Peanut. I think he'll be ok, though he doesn't act like he's sick. I hope so.

It's not even March yet and already I feel like it's been a rough year.

The Day of Starvation

My body scan is at 4:30 this afternoon and I was told not to eat starting midnight, last night. This means my first real meal today will occur around 8:00PM tonight because the body scan takes 3 hours, hopefully by then I won't fall into a starvation induced coma since I only weigh 105 and happen to be one of the rare people who actually likes food. Well I can have Jello, which is a joke and chicken broth which might make me gag but I'll do my best. I'm also allowed to have any clear drinks including tea and coffee without milk. Since I quit coffee a couple weeks ago, luckily I won't go crazy and strangle anyone because of the no milk part and I don't put milk in my tea anyway.

So far so good with the not eating but then again it's barely 9:30AM. I do notice a low tolerance for pain and irritation but that's just because I feel a little stressed out and pissed off at everyone who's name is not Peanut. Ok maybe Mr Pea is not so bad either, I actually feel sorry for him having to watch his wife so unhappy and not feeling well while he can't do anything about it besides offer to buy me things because he feels sorry for me and can't think of anything else to do. He helped reconfigure my ipod so it's ready for my scan later and for that he's forever in my good graces.

But every once in a while, like when I hear the guy-downstairs-who-loves-his-motorcycle-and-thinks-he's-Don-Johnson
-circa-Miami-Vice-all-the -way-to-the-blond-highlights revving his motorcycle for 20/30 minutes at 6 AM OR when the substitute mail man who thinks the whole neighborhood wants to hear Rush Limbaugh radio at full friggin' blast instead of having a quiet lunch(and I live on the top floor so it really is that loud), I do get the slightest urge to grab someone by the shoulders and shake them until their eyeballs roll backwards like I saw on Looney Tunes as a kid. Yeah, that's how I feel sometimes. It's not so much the Rush Limbaugh that offends me, and oh he does. I remember my dad used to listen to him a little when I was growing up and it was so hateful and offensive to me then, that I'm pretty sure this contributed to why I am absolutely contrary to that pill popping loud mouth in my political leanings--I meant Rush not my dad when I said those hateful things, obviously.(But I bet you didn't know that Daddy?) But it's not Rush really that's been raking my nerves. What offends me is the utter lack of consideration for others, that one's life and needs are so much more important than other people's peace and quiet in a neighborhood full of senior retirees and parents with young children and at least one sick person who might not feel like listening to loud obnoxious motorcycles or loud obnoxious radios. Heartinsanfrancisco talked about a similar feeling recently when some rude person stole her umbrella. But then again, I'm grouchy and jealous of anyone who gets to eat today. How are you?

Because I have nothing to blog about

I have nothing interesting to say since my existence is comparable to an inside only cat. Well besides the time I spend outside walking, er ok not really walking but, wobbling around with Peanut. It's a lot of work but I feel ok while I'm out. Once I'm finally up the stairs and inside I'm totally out of energy for at least a couple hours though. It's so good to get outside for a few minutes, I would never give up my time out in the fresh cold air with Peanut.( even though I probably look like the town drunk)

Anyway, whatevs.(I picked up that word from a show my friend's daughter was watching and now my husband and I can't stop saying it to each other) Since I don't have anything wonderful to tell you guys about, tell me something. Something silly, anything. Amuse me dammit. :O)

Sorry no words sooner guys

I'm still not feeling well. Not from the radiation so much anymore just because they still won't let me back on my meds because of a body scan I have coming up on Thursday. This utterly pissed me off because I was told I could start taking my meds again 3 days after I left the hospital and then this new appointment was sprang upon me without even asking me. I don't like decisions being made in regards to my health without being informed of them. Doctor does not mean dictator and I absolutely did not like not being left out of the decision and I didn't like being told one thing a month ago and then something new all of a sudden. I'm sick of asking them when it's ok to go back on my meds so that I can feel normal again. It makes me feel like a junkie and a beggar and I don't appreciate being put in that position. I am absolutely livid over the fact that I was told I would only be off my regular meds for 2 weeks when here I am going on my 5th week feeling like all hell is inside my body and still no definite word about when I can start taking them again other than, "call us on the day after your scan and we'll probably call you back on Monday. Oh by the way, you're not supposed to eat anything day."( That means the first time I eat anything at all on Thursday will be around 9pm...yeah) I'm also angry over the fact that I specifically asked if I was going to have another body scan after the radiation and was told no because I had a feeling this was going to happen. I probably would not be this upset if not for the fact that I had to call 7-8 times over the course of 5 days with never a returned phone call from the person in charge of making appointments just to find out when my hospital stay was going to be but there's that to add to all the other frustration. The cherry on top of my irritation over the whole thing was back in January I agreed to have thyrogen injections before the first body scan because I made it clear that going off my meds was not something I felt comfortable doing in the first place. So that was a complete waste of time and money as well. I did communicate this with her office and, oh trust me, I will reiterate this on my next visit which I expect will happen sometime next week unless they want me to unleash my fury right there in the lobby. This is exactly what I mean when I stress to everyone how important it is for patients to be proactive in the care they receive. We are patients not sheep and I don't need to tell anyone that nobody gives a flying !@#$ so long as your insurance company approves the money needed and everyone gets paid. And I'll put this out there once more: I'm one of the HAVES when it comes to excellent insurance coverage. I already know that this is not always the case so if I can be treated this way so can anyone. Thyroid cancer is supposed to be the easiest cancer to treat and cure so I realize my impatience and anger is a relatively small issue in the larger scheme of things. And although I'm very thankful to have all that I have including a thorough doctor, I am beginning to get extremely irritated and question this need to check and recheck and recheck and re-treat. It's beginning to feel ridiculous and unnecessary. I know my own body, I do. I had 5 different doctors brush me off and say,"Oh you're fine," like I was some kind of whiny school girl and I KNEW that it was they who were wrong not me. So now I know that I am finished after this, finished, I don't care what the hell anyone says--it's time to move on and go back to the yearly routine not to have freak out sessions over unconfirmed issues. Because frankly I'm starting to believe that all this is doing more harm to my body than good. Especially since the tissues they were watching were not active and no biopsy was taken. If I begin to have other problems because of all this, there will be law suits and that's no threat.

I want to tell you guys, I'm not an assertive person. I'm usually a mouse. But the good that came from having cancer was that I no longer give a crap whether or not I'm perceived as nice when it comes to my health care. I don't expect to be treated like a baby or wined and dined and ass kissed, I don't. But I will be treated with respect and my decisions are not negotiations and my word is trump not anyone else's. It sucks that it took being sick to get to that but at least I got there.

I'll be blogvisiting ya'll soon. Thanks again guys for all your visits and words of encouragements. Take care :O) And thanks to Chani for your kind email and book suggestion, I'm only into the first 100 pages and I love it already.

Sweet Liberty

I'm home. I was able to get rid of most of the radiation in less than 24 hours. I was told this is rare. Yes! I'll be up and at em' tomorrow maybe. Thanks for checking in on me guys. Big hugs.

They forced me to put this on. It doesn't fit. My window blind was broken and i was able to fix it with a spring from a pen. I was feeling like such badass handyman for a minute :-) i snuck this old phone in with me that i'll throw away when i leave. I took the scary pill a couple hours ago. So far i'm not too nauseas just tired. I miss peanut and mrpea. Hopefully i'll get to go home tomorrow.

The door to my prison

I think i can post

I think i can post with my cell phone while i'm in the dern hospital.... If this works.

Almost over

I finally got an appointment for my radiation and hospital stay. It took about 6 phone calls since no one ever calls people back but I finally got someone to give me a definite day instead of a, "I think it'll be around....but I'll find out and call you back later today or tomorrow morning at the latest." I hate those people. I don't normally say things like that but right now I feel so awful I feel like I can say anything I want. I'll take it back when I get home and I'm feeling better. I already did all the prep stuff the other day, I had to get my blood drawn and a preg test. I go in on Tuesday at 11AM. They give me the scary blue radioactive pill at 1PM then I'm stuck in that prison, I mean room until I can pee and shower my way down to a safe enough level to go home. I'm going to try my best to get home the next evening. But I don't want to get my hopes up so I'll just say I expect to home by at least midday Thursday. After that I'm still 'quarantined' from the rest of society for 48 hours and then I can do whatever I want. I'm expecting not to feel too good anyway so I won't be sad about having to be at home. Since we all have to sleep apart, I'm setting up the guest room today and luckily Mr.Pea and I have separate bathrooms already. I feel like crap, I'm sore all over and tired as hell but I'm happy because I know it's over by the end of this week. AND I'm happy like I said I would be because this month has brought me closer to Spring and after checking the weather this morning, the temperature is already on the rise. The birds were going crazy this morning and there were little, bright lime green leaves forming on some of the bare trees. I also saw a pair of hawks nesting on one the tress nearby. Yes!




Oh just for the sake of telling someone, yesterday on the way from Peanut's doctor appointment, there was a strange man dressed in all black on the side walk of a busy road and he was, um, having fun with himself in front of all the world. Yeah. Do with that info whatever you want, I just wanted to let ya'll in on that. Kbye

Lamest blog on Earth?

I keep saying this: I know my posts have been few and sporadic but it's because I've been feeling sick. When I'm better, so will my posts and visiting will be more frequent. Should I just record it and make it a sound byte over here? It's true though.

This does not mean I want peeps to feel sorry for me because although, normally I enjoy the attention, but I don't want any pity, honest. Just some patience. Plus I don't feel as awful as one would think. Just tired and head&muscle achy. This is going to be over as soon as next week and then I'll be back to my annoying, smartassy, energy filled, shark tooth lovin', shoe buying, blog posting self.

Oh OH! I quit coffee again. I switched to decaf. This is because too much of my day is spent worrying about whether or not I'll have time for my caffeine fix. And I don't like the addict part of it all. But I do love coffee in the winter(pinch of sugar lots of cream) so the only way to keep it in my life until it gets hot outside again was to make the switch now. Another reason was that I was anticipating that the coffee in the hospital this coming week was going to be just as disgusting as it was last year so I thought it would be prudent to just wean myself off now and save myself the bratty temper tantrum I would be throwing to myself in that room all alone giving me another reason to get all depressed and wish I was at home. (good run on don't you think?) Which is what I'll be doing anyway but at least I won't be homesick for my own coffee. Coffee people, you guys understand what I'm talking about. There's no other coffee on Earth that tastes better than the pot you make for yourself everyday because it's just the way you like it. Anyway, I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Mittens. The cat I sometimes babysit

I'm sure I've posted a pic of him before but I took care of him last week and took some more pictures since he was in a cooperating mood. I saw him jump from a stool to body slam Peanut once or twice. He likes a ratty old pink bunny, crumpled paper, laser lights, staring contests, hidden fingers under the pillow, and-oh- I almost forgot, kneading.

I love him more than he loves me, as it is with all cats. I beg for his love but he prefers stalking and attacking me instead. Once in a while, he'll sit behind me on the couch with his tail around my neck and look at me with his eyes half closed which, I've been told, is cat language for,"I like you, let's be friends." So I'll just have to be happy with that.


Captions welcome in the comments.

Curse that oven!

Someone came over this morning to fix my oven. I've been putting off calling about getting it fixed just because I hate having to wait for them to come for the 6 hours time span they always give you and frankly I don't enjoy having people I've never met before with metal tools and blunt objects in my house because I'm pretty paranoid.(Psychoman is always on the loose, I'm telling you guys.)The problem was the top coil thingy inside the oven wasn't working. Or so I thought. Of course it suddenly started working after months of not working when the repairman turned it on. Feeling like a jackass, I said,"Well, it wasn't working before. It hasn't been working for a long time! The reason why I know this is because every time I want to bake something, the bottom is always burnt and the tops are raw, like when I make cookies. I can't even bake pies or cakes because of that coil." So he tried it again. Again it works. So I said sorry, thank you and he went on his way. I'm so vain about my cooking I actually wondered to my sister 5 minutes later on the phone if he just thought I was a crappy cook and was blaming it on the stove. But then she asked me why I cared whether or not he or anyone thought I was a shitty cook since I hate cooking anyway. She has a point. I do hate to cook.... still though. He didn't know that.

Walking In The Fog

3 weeks down without the Synthroid and one to go before my appointment with radiation. dammit. I made a conscience decision not to drive until I'm back on that thyroid hormone replacement and feeling normal again because I've started having a hard time concentrating, am feeling sluggish and uncoordinated. I'm not complaining, I promise but since I'm having an honest moment here the achy-ness and swollen joints are enough to drive a girl mad. And did I mention my face and eyes are so puffy, I look like the Michelin man? I have to admit there's a mild depression plus a teaspoon of anxiety there too. It's normal and completely hormonal, well actually, due to the lack of hormone now that I think about it. But however mild, it's put a dip in any creative energy/motivation. That's not who I am. As much as I'd love to be one of those dark, sensitive artistic types, I'm of the smiley variety so I'm waiting for that part of me to come back. Listening to some really depressing music lately probably hasn't helped much.

This morning though, when I opened the curtains and saw a thick scary fog coming in from the direction of the sea, I got really excited. I hurried up to get myself together enough so Peanut and I could be out there in it before the sun got rid of it and ruined our fun. Fog should be a scary thing for a (sunworshiping)girl like me who's afraid of her own damn shadow. But it's a good scary and the painter I am likes the tricks fog plays on the eyes. Plus I'm just contrary like that.

Angry French hip hop on my ipod again, Peanut and I had a small bounce in our walk. As I've said before I'm not a huge fan of angry music but there's something to be said about a song utterly dedicated to what a baddass one is when you badly need to be reminded that you're a badass too. Smiling at two giggling preteen girls on their way to school, I turned and took the lake trail and stood there in front of the black water for a long time waiting for Peanut to spit out the dead lizard I had pretended not to notice him pick up and carry around in his mouth a few steps back. There were dark, long necked water fowl swimming around close by and they were skittish. I heard a sound in the air, looked up, and out of the fog, the biggest osprey I've ever seen appeared overhead with a fish in her claws. She swooped down on those black waterbirds, not to prey on them but just cuz she felt like it, just to show them who's territory they are in. Dammit. They sort of fell quickly to the side and bobbed back up again like buoys when it was safe. I whispered to myself,"yeah," and realized I'd been holding my breath. I'm not a fan of bullies either but ospreys can never do wrong in my eyes. And that osprey reminded me like no other dirty hip hop song ever could about what a badass is. I'm small but I'm powerful too. Dammit.