Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Lucky 7th

Welp, guys, my surgery is scheduled for Sept 7. Why not sooner? Because I wanted to relax and have some fun this weekend before I'm all stuck in bed with a swollen neck feeling sorry for myself that's why. I can't really describe how I've been feeling about this whole thing. No one can ever truly understand what it's like to hear a doctor say, you have a tumor and it's cancer. My first reaction is usually to cry and roll into the fetal position like a roly-poly. But, the people pleaser that I am, I did my best to keep a brave face and when she said to me, do you need to ask me anything, are you feeling ok? I said, I'm ok, and looked at my husband because at that very moment if I didn't keep his gaze I might have just fallen off the face of the Earth. No matter how successful people tell you treatment for this kind of cancer is, I will not even begin to write down the kind of thoughts that run through my mind every 5 minutes. So since last week I've been having these mini panic attacks, crying fits, moments of calm, to true moments of feeling brave and ready, and then for five minutes I not think of it at all until I remember that I'm scared. While I was sitting in that room today waiting to meet my surgeon, I felt this crazy-overwhelming urge to run out the door. I don't like the fact that someone else is going to be in control of what is going to happen to me. But now that I know there's really nothing I can do except trust and hope, I let myself feel depressed for a couple hours, I let myself cry, and now I'm ready to stop being a baby and start doing myself a favor by thinking positive. I can't promise I'll feel the same way tomorow but for now that's how I feel. I'll do my best.

PS Ya'll should have heard some of the questions I was asking my surgeon....those of you who have had surgery will laugh but I'm telling you, not only am I a spoiled brat but I'm also extremely paranoid and have probably seen way too many scary and sci fi movies. So here are a few: Um...am I going to go into a coma or something like that, I mean, how does this whole anasthesia thing work? So...am I going to really be unconscience or will I be like in some sort of zombie like state where I can see and feel everything but powerless to do or say anything? Hey--what is this cardiac arrest risk paragraph mean, am I going to have a heart attack or something like that? Am I going to have one of those frankenstein scars after?
And anyway why would I have anything to fear when I've been blessed by the future pope? Check out those hands, they contain healing powers I know it.

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