Sunday, September 14, 2008

Losing it at the hospital is apparently my thing warning-to-easily-grossed-out-by-girly-things-men, this post contains the words 'tampon' and 'period'

-I almost slapped someone at the hospital where MrPea had his surgery the other day. Mind you, if you had been told to arrive at 7:30AM only to wait 7 hours before your husband's procedure started, forced to sit in the Cardio-Vascular waiting room full of right wing crazy people peeing in their pants watching Faux News crying out "sexist" every five minutes for another 7 hours, been the last person in the waiting room with no one giving any information as to where your husband is and if he's even still alive at this point, gone on a damn Odyssey just to get coffee because the right wing crazy family HOGGED ALL THE DAMN COFFEE(!), only to go on another damn Odessy looking for tampons when you're finally reunited with your LaLaLand drugged up(but doing ok) husband you might just feel like slapping someone too. Oh but that's not the whole story regarding the tampons. Yes my friends, I had to go look for tampons. Not before hand feeding my poor husband who wasn't suppossed to get out of bed or sit up the rest of the night some hospital food chicken and Mac and cheese, going up and down to the first floor(we were originally on the 2nd, then they moved him to the 4th to recover)to give my brother the keys to our place so that he could take care of Peanut. It had been over 9 hours since he'd been out and it didn't look like MrPea was going to be able to go home. Oh but that's not just it. This hospital is a friggin Labrynth ok. On my Tampon trip, I got on the elevator and pushed 1, to go down to the main lobby where I saw a gift shop and pharmacy on my search for coffee. Did this elevator go to the first floor? NO. It went to 5th floor. I wasn't paying attention since at this point I was half zombied with the stress of the day. I got off and started wandering around. I wandered for about ten minutes in this hospital from hell before a nurse told me I was on the wrong floor. Fine. I get to the first damn floor. Guess what. Everything is closed. I went up to the information desk and asked if there were any vending machines that sold toiletries. The two women working there gave me a blank stare. Forget it. I went to a receiving area and asked the same question. The two women there were apparently in the middle of an inside joke. Giggling, they could not even get an answer out. Finally after about half a minute one of them said no. I said is there anywhere I can go to get a few things for my husband and also feminine things. Laughing again. One of them spit out in a really smartassed voice,"You can go to Walgreens....."bursting out in another round of laughter. OK Time stopped for just a second and I envisioned myself jumping over the counter panther style and slapping this women and her little hyena laughing friend. Of course they both outweighed me by at least 30 pounds and being taller than me, would definitely have a longer reach so it's a good thing I did not. I'm pretty sure they assumed the evil look on my face was attributed to my being on my period and not how irritated I was being laughed at and how early a damn hospital pharmacy closed.


-Oh but that's not the end of it. Giving up, I finally went back to my husband's floor stopping first in the ladies room to see if they had a vending machine. Bingo! They did. But quickly my relief turned into full fledged maniac fury when the machine stole my last two quarters and gave me zero tampons. I cannot confirm or deny beating the machine with my elbow or kicking it Karate style, even though I've never had Karate lessons....

-Back in my husband's hospital room I calmed down, put on a smiling face for him and asked his nurse how to get to my car. I remembered I always keep a few extras in the glove box. (There are 3 parking lots and I was confused about which elevator to use and which walkway) He took about ten minutes and gave me 3 different maze scenarios before seeing the confusion on my face and said,"Or you could just go to the first floor and walk outside to the next building behind the second garage." I said,"Well, it's dark outside right now, we're in (name of scary downtown neighborhood) and I'd like to not get murdered on the way to my car...." (I just wanted to get some freakin tampons ok?! )

-In the end I figured the way out by myself and was able to retrieve the damn tampons. Did I learn any lessons? NO. Know why? BECAUSE MAYBE I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT EXTRA DAMN TAMPONS IF I HADN'T BEEN TOLD TO COME IN AT 7 DAMN 30 IN THE MORNING FOR A 2 HOUR PROCEDURE WITH A HIGH POSSIBILITY OF MY HUSBAND GOING HOME.... That's why. Or you can just blame my bad temper on my period, whatevs.

4 comments:

marymurtz said...

Girl, no jury in the world would have convicted you if you'd bitch-slapped those women at the hospital.

thailandchani said...

Ugh! The whole thing sounds just awful!


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heartinsanfrancisco said...

I hope your husband is ok and that the hyenas find themselves on a desert island surrounded by hungry, blood-smelling sharks and no tampons.

seventh sister said...

I am happy that you husband is doing OK and that you finally got what you needed.