Thursday, November 09, 2006

My dog Peanut: Merciless Killer, Shameless Beggar

We are harboring a soulless family member in this house. I've introduced you to him before. He's our Peanut and he leaves no lizard unmamed. We've tried to stop him, we've tried to reason with him, we've asked him to go to couseling but, alas ,we might have to give up trying to convince him. Please, lizards of the world, I offer my apologies. I'm not even sure if he even knows that he kills them dead. His hunting instincts are so strong within, he gets that scary shark frenzy look in his eyes, his loving adopted mother I can only defend his ways by saying I think he might even 'blank out' for a few seconds....maybe there's hope for him.... maybe not. As part of forcing him to confront his demons and take responsibility for his actions I am compelled to share the disturbing secrets for the sake of his reform and repentance. Close your eyes, faint of heart....

Victim #1 appearred early one morning last weekend looking for lady bugs on my ivy plant. I stayed quiet so as not to alarm Peanut and bring out the dark side of my dog ... was too late for this poor lizard .
If I scream, it just makes him even crazier but oh! How can I not?
You see, in his defense, he doesn't understand the concept of death and pleads not guilty by reason of mental immaturity. Do you see how he hovers over it waiting for it move so he can "play" with his new found friend?
He always thinks our goal is then to steal his new friend from him and can spend hours hovering over the poor thing guarding it then giving up and leaving the body on display for us to find right by the door hoping for the words he so loves to hear,"Wow Peanut! Good boy-you're the best hunter EVER!"
I'm so sorry lizard.

Victim #2 appeared in a similar fashion as Victim #1 only I didn't make it in time yet again to save his life. I heard a loud scratch...scratch... then a loud pop! Only to find this clue:
Where is the proprieter of this tail? In my dog's MOUTH! Gross!

He lurked over this one like Gollum would his ring....

Finally losing interest when he smelled hotdogs cooking in the kitchen leaving the body behind, forgotten in the dooryway yet again.

Tailless, bruised, lifeless--Peanut doesn't even have the capacity for enough mercy to bury the poor thing or at least place him gently to his rest in the toilet.

Do you think he would have at least a moment of silence?

Five minutes later.....time to beg for hotdogs.

Begging for hotdogs SHAMELESSLY I should add.
MR.PEA wishes to remain anonymous as he had no part or knowledge of the alleged 'incident' that happenned on the balcony that fateful day. I DID NOT give Peanut any hotdogs because 1-I don't reward him for this behavior and 2-I don't eat hotdogs. But I can't say that MR.PEA did not give him any....

One would think he would perhaps be secretly horrified over his actions and lose sleep over his behavior.

Does this look like a guilty conscience to you? Nope this dog is completely satisfied with himself and his accomplishments and rewards himself for, what he considers, a job well done with a nap in the sun. A belly full of hotdogs and the knowledge that he has purged his territory of lizards, he is content. I have a feeling he may just be a sociopath...what do you think?

PS I'm not an idiot, I promise. For some reason spell check doesn't work for my computer as a popup so I do my best checking for mispells myself -but I can't get them all....if you think I'm an idiot because of the mispells I won't be mad at you. But Peanut might-so keep it to yourself, he'll find you, you've seen his work.

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